The Despair Syndrome

Setbacks are never easy to bounce back no matter what others say. They erode a part of you leaving you with self-doubt and tons of questions and emotional turmoil.

When something happens you keep asking yourself “why me?” “Why did this have to happen to me?” and so many questions that fill your head  threatening to drown you, threatening to suffocate you!

They say you’ll bounce back and higher but first how do you get over this heaviness in your chest, this anxious feeling that’s weighing you down. How do you get over this fear that clouds your mind, that threatens to push you down a bottomless black hole. How do you stop your brains from overthinking the worst case scenarios.

Setbacks leave you with self-doubts often questioning your ability and capability. Often questioning who you truly are and is this for you. Often eroding your confidence in self.

Failure can be a bitch, a tough teacher leaving with you with this bitter taste and hopeless feeling. Often leaving you embarrassed and frustrated and disappointed with yourself. You find yourself questioning your ability, your inability, ending in this feeling of an impostor syndrome, making you feel like a fake, unworthy, a loser!

There’s a lesson to be learned but somehow you feel so hopeless, drowning in your own sorrow that you find it difficult to even learn the lesson that you have been taught. You are unable to see the lesson in it all. And somehow you are unable to learn the lesson you are meant to learn.

You’ll bounce back, they say, but when and how, is the question you ask yourself, a question you want to ask them, cause you are feeling so hopeless and low and you are unable to perceive an end in sight , apart of putting an end to it all.

You want to scream and shout and cry and let it all out, but you are unable to do so, cause you programmed yourself to appear strong and clam. But internally you are crumbling, you are melting, you are sinking in a quagmire of despair.

Though there are others around you, others rallying for you, you find yourself alone. You find yourself internalising your feeling unable to give it a vent, thus filling you with despair and pain, threatening to burst out and consume you in its flames.

But through this despair you try to find hope, hope that you can hold on to, hope you can cling on to. You try to find that hope that will keep you going and will get you through it all.

You know you can never give up, you will never give up, you will  continue to soldier on, keeping the faith , hoping for a better new day.

You know that giving up is never an option and the only time you will is when you’re dead. 

So you continue to soldier on, to fight through cause you know that as long as you have hope you’ll continue to fight through it all, it will keep you going on. You continue to hold your head up high and move on knowing you somehow, somewhere you’ll find you’ll find your way through!

The Positive-Negative Conundrum

We are so caught up what with the negatives of life that we forget about the positives. We forget that a beautiful picture develops from a negative, in a dark room.

We are so caught up with beating ourselves about what we did wrong that we forget to see what did we do right. 

We are so caught up with up with our mistakes that we forget that we need to learn  and grow and move on.

We are so consumed by the hurt that we feel, the sadness and the loneliness that we forget that we need to give ourselves time to heal.

We are so hard on ourselves and what we do that we forget that we need to be kind.

We are so scared of falling and hurting ourselves that we forget that falling is part of life. If we don’t fall we will not learn, and with every fall we will pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move on.

We are so afraid to make mistake that we forget to learn and that making mistakes is part of the learning process, and with learning we bring about the change, the only constant in life.

We so in our head about the future and what will happen that we forget to live in the present.

Life’s never going to be easy! 

Life’s never going to be simple!

But then that’s the way life is meant to be!

We’ve got to remember that negatives attract positives. So bad times are never going to last forever. We’ve just got to find a way to weather it out.

So stop being so hard on yourself!!l

Stop being so negative and in your head!!

Stop worrying about what is to come! Remember, it’s not here yet.

So live in the present and live with your head held high, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

You’ve got what it takes to make it through and you will surely weather the storm.

So just hang in there and have faith and believe. You’ve got this boy… you always have… you’ll always will.. so just LIVE!!!

Pushing through…

Come the third Sunday of January and you once again find yourself anxiously waiting on that familiar ground. You’ve done this 12 times before but you still feel that nervousness and that anxiety building in you.

So you get your warm up done with your fellow RBs, and of course with Coach and you slowly make you way to the start line, joining the crowds of runners as they are herded to their respective starting line up. You try and get some last minute advice from coach before you get into your line up.

You calmly walk while those around you run, knowing that in this walk you can actually find a way to settle the nervous anxiety that’s been bubbling under the surface. So you walk to the start line as the spotlights and fireworks light up your way, marvelling how gorgeous VT looks in its lit glory.

As you reach the start line you pause a moment to start all yours apps and watch. You sign yourself as your cross over the start line, knowing that your race has begun. 

You mutter a quiet “you’ve got this” to yourself as you run steadily at a comfortable and steady pace as you had planned, letting those around you go ahead, knowing somehow you will meet them again, if not on the route, then at the finish line.

You note the weather is humid, as expected, and you already broken into a sweat. As expected the weather changed and gotten a bit hot and humid. But despite this you have a quiet confidence. You know you’ve trained well and you already executed your plan with a good FM in November. So all you had to continue with the plan but stay safe and extra hydrated than you did at Ahemdabad.

As you reach Marine Line you feel this beautiful light breeze on your face, quite a welcoming sensation from the humidity that you felt at the holding area.

You make your way around the Air India building and loop and join your friend Jay, who along with some of his friend is a guiding a runner who’s running completely blind. 

You cheer them and wish them the best and continue on your run making your way around NCPA.

You get a huge shoutout from your friends at Asic/stride with GB cheer zone. You give your buddy Rupal a sweaty hug and you continue on your way down Marine Lines, running past the Navy Band who are regaling the runners as the pass by as well the Punjabi Dhol.

You take this all in, all part of the experience, all part of the joy of running the TMM.

So you make your way past Girgaum Chowpattty, past Wilson’s College, taking a turn onto Babulnath and on your way up Peddar Road. You decide to put on your earbuds and listen to some music as you continue on your way. 

You fumble and drop them but somehow manage to get them. You know you’ve spent some time in trying to do so but you don’t let it get to you. You just keep running.

From here it’s on to Haji Ali sea face. You cannot help but marvel at the fact how much things have changed here over the years you’ve run the Mumbai Marathon. You no longer can see the sea face. Instead you see the bridges of the coastal road, twisting and turning across the sea.

With this thought you smile and continue on your way happy knowing that you are holding a steady face.

By now you have the HM runners on the other side of the road. You give a shoutout to friends you see.

Finally you hit the sea link and it’s time to dodge runners who suddenly stop in the middle of the road so that they can capture themselves on the sea link. Not to forget the ones trying to run in front of photographers, giving some silly pose. 

You consciously run to one side, trying your best to avoid these morons. You realise that there are lesser water stations this time around on the sea link, especially when you need one.

You let out a sigh of relief as you finally complete the sea link. You’re happy that there’s no signs of cramps that you faced in the past when coming off the sea link.

You complete looping Reclamation and on to Mahim Causeway, reaching the starting point for the HM. You are well aware that soon you’ll be hitting the 25k mark, which as per your plan and coach’s direction, is when you start to push your pace.

As you make your way down Mahim Causeway you have these children cheering you with their outstretched arms waiting for a high five from the runners going by. You make way to the side and return every high five, return every smile with a smile of your own. The simple but precious joys and pleasures of running the Mumbai Marathon.

From here you reach the start line of the Half Marathon and you know it’s turn to shift to the next gear.

You steadily pick up pace but at the same time not going all out. You know you are running strong and everything seems to be going as planned. You try not to think about the weather and cramps and try to take it one step at a time, making up ground and time.

Just when you thought you would have a good race you start to feel the tightness in your calves. As you turn on to Worli Seaface cramps begin to set in forcing you to walk as you can no longer keep your pace. You desperately look out for salt or oranges and water, which was not there at the water station, instead you had Relaod, something that you didn’t want at the time.

After walking for a while you feel your calves loosen up and once again you begin a slow run. You know your pace has dropped but that’s something you would cope with. For now all you could think and hope that the cramps would not affect you more. You had to take it one step at a time.

As you make your way to Haji Ali sea face you desperately looking for water as you have to take your gels with it, but to your disappointment the water stations are stocked up with Fast and Up Relaod, which you didn’t need.

Finally, at Peddar Road, you find some good Samaritans distributing water. You take a bottle and thank them profusely and make your way up Peddar Road. This is one of the reason I’ve always felt that Peddar Road is one of the best part of the race and not the dreaded part cause the support here is amazing.

You decide to walk up Peddar Road rather than run it. So you slowly make your up. Despite the cramps and the frustration you make it a point to smile cause you have chose to not give up and continue and battle the elements and complete what you set out to do.

Reaching the top of Peddar Road you start to run once again, using the downhill to carry you on.

You finally make your way past Babulnath and on to Giragaum Chowpatty telling yourself there just few kms to cover.

By now your run is reduced to a walk-jog strategy as every time you try to run cramps set in. You try not be too disappointed and just continue on.

Finally at Wilson’s College you meet Charu, your savour, who’s got oranges and coke for you.

After a quick chat and some pics, you thank Charu for always being the rock star she is and continue on your way, eating the oranges and the sipping the coke.

You hobble most of the way trying to keep the cramps at bay but sadly they seem to love you and want to keep you company. So all you can do run-walk-jog and do the best you can.

Slowly and steadily you reach the water station manned by your friends from Stride with GB/Asics run club. Sadly, they don’t have the water you are looking for, what they do have is their warm cheer and smile and motivation. So after getting your legs sprayed  and clicking pics and you are once again off on your away, albeit you more hobbling instead of running.

With every step your muscles get cramped even more. You just close your eyes and try to push through it all, after all you didn’t come this far just to throw in towel. So you continue to push. And somehow you find that adrenaline rush that carries you through to the finish line.

As you near the finish line you see your friend Suni who cheers you on and tells you that you can still make it below 5 hours. So with that one final push you make it across that finish line as you raise your hands in triumph.

As you soon as you cross the finish line your legs feel like they would almost give way from under you but still cramped. You hobble about trying to make your way to the grounds. Each step you take shoot this agonising  pain, but you just close your eyes and continue walking, greeting and congratulating friends who have completed their run. You collect your towel and head to collect your medal and join your friends.

Though you smile, you have this feeling of disappointment, and hearing the timings of others doesn’t make it any easier. You try not to let it affect you but somehow it gets to you.

You needed this race to go well, with all the shit you’ve been through in the past couple of months, and when it didn’t go as planned and you didn’t get the outcome you trained for you are left feeling low, you feel you’ve let yourself down.

You needed this race to be shot in the arm, the boast you needed, the spark that would reignite the fire in you. You needed it to find that hope. But sadly it wasn’t meant to be.

You wonder what did you do wrong? Did you go too fast after running nice and steady for the first 25 km? Was it the finickiness of the Mumbai weather or was it lack of sufficient water station with water or even salt and orange that lead to the cramp?

In all these thoughts that keep plaguing your head you realised that there are positives which you can take from the race. You’ve been focusing so much on what you did wrong, the negatives, you’ve overlooked the positives of the run.

You proved to yourself that you have it in you to complete what you have started. And when the chips are down you can find it in you to push through. You didn’t give up when cramps plagued and threatened another DNF. You just closed your eyes and pushed through the agony and successfully completed your 10th Full Marathon, and that in itself was a great victory. 

You didn’t give up, you didn’t give in, you completed what you set out to do. This resilience in itself was the hope that you needed, the spark to light the flame, the proof that no matter how bad things may seem you had the strength and resilience to see things through.

So no matter the outcome you can hold your head up high and be filled with this sense of pride for what you have managed.

So with that you know it’s back to the drawing board and keep growing and improving and come back stronger in 2026.

Mumbai… Dubai… the city conundrum

I’m constantly asked this, why don’t you settle down in Dubai, after all your sisters are here and wouldn’t your mum want to be closer to her daughters? Don’t you like Dubai ? Obviously, isn’t Dubai way better than Mumbai? 

Well to an extent I know what they say is true. I know that my mum would love to have her children together rather than shuffling between two countries (let alone two cities), and no matter how much I deny it , Dubai is leaps and bounds ahead of Mumbai, but then the heart belongs to Mumbai. Trust me this is not a patriotic thing, it’s just a personal thing.

They say home is where the heart is, and the heart belongs to Mumbai, cause no matter where I go, Mumbai will always be home.

Yeah, Mumbai is no Dubai, but then the same can be said about Dubai too, Dubai is no Mumbai. Mumbai has a charm of its own, it has a beating heart, feels very much real. Dubai, for all its trappings and luxuries and amenities, somewhere feels very man-made, feels very plasticky, and no matter what they say, life in plastic ain’t fantastic.

Plus mumbai is where the friends are, people who are more like family. Mumbai is where the tribe resides, whether it’s running or dancing. People who make you feel most alive, people who make you feel the love, people who make you feel yourself.

This is something you don’t have in Dubai. So you can be with a bunch of people and still feel all alone.

You’ve gone through so much in Mumbai, loss, heartbreaks, heartaches, failures, resentment, hopelessness. But despite it all you know there’s resilience, there’s still hope, there’s still faith, there’s people who will rally around you to save you from yourself. Something you are afraid that you may not have if you move anywhere else let alone Dubai.

So in the end, after every trip, it feels a pang of sadness to leave Dubai, after all you’ve been here so many times, and people who are your blood resides here, but your heart will always be there with Mumbai.

For Auld Lang Syne… a New Year’s Eve Musing

And so once again we stand 

At the precipice of a brand new year

A brand new book 

With  365 blank pages waiting to be filled

But before we begin to filling these  pages 

Before we begin composing our stories 

Let’s give thanks to the year  gone by

Let’s write an afterword 

Showing our appreciation for all it gave us

Cause through the highs and lows

The ups and downs

The losses and gains

The tears and smile

The happiness and sorrows 

It has shaped us

It has forged us

It has made us

Stronger to face 

Whatever that may come our way 

It has given us opportunities 

It has filled us with experience 

To overcome whatever life may throw at us 

So while we welcome a brand new year

We thank you dear old friend

For being ever at our side 

For teaching us the lessons 

We needed to learn 

For which we will forever be grateful 

So here’s to the new year 

And to the year gone by

And to days of Aud lang syne

The Old and the New

In another few hours and we will be ushering in another new year, glad to put the old one behind us, looking forward to the new one that stands in front us, just eagerly waiting for this one be over and done with and looking forward to a fresh new start.

But while we eagerly and wholeheartedly welcome a brand new year let’s not forget the one that’s gone by.

Yes it’s been a tough one, but we’ve survived it and come out alive and stronger, even though there were times we thought we would not make it through. Even though there were times we thought putting an end to it. But here we are, at the end, well make that almost at the end, of another year, a little stronger, a little wiser (hopefully), a lot older and greyer, hoping not to repeat what we have done in the past.

We have made our mistakes, but we need to learn from it so as to never repeat it again, owning up to our actions, facing up to the consequences of it. But let’s not be afraid or runaway from it. Let’s face it and learn from it. We have fallen a couple of times but remember that with each fall we managed to dust ourselves off and get back on our feet and continue on. 

And let’s face it, not the entire year has been bad, there have been moments of happiness, moments of triumph, moments that will help us weather any bad day.

Yes the year has been tough, but which year isn’t. Every  new year we hope it will be better than the old one, and at the end of the year we say the same. 

So rather than hope make the year better. If you need to pivot, make the pivot. Do what you need to do to make each year better. But don’t never give up.

There’s nothing wrong with hoping but it’s always better when you do and make your life the one that you hoped for.

Every year is going to be tough. But tougher the years the tougher you are, cause through the tears and the sorrow and the pain and the loss you’ll grow. 

You were single at the start of the year and you’re still single at its end and there no telling how long you’ll be the same, but then that’s ok. You’ll always hope to find someone. But one thing for sure you’ll never loose faith in love finding it’s way to you.

So while we welcome another year, let’s give thanks to another year gone by for all the lessons it has taught us, all the experiences and opportunities and all the memories, cause through it all it has shaped us and will continue to shape us for all the days to come. So thanks to the year gone by, cause no matter what, we will be always grateful you.

Be kind.. to yourself!!

Be kind to yourself 

People will come and go

You is all you’ll have 

So if you can show kindness to others

The why not be kind to yourself!

Don’t be too heard on yourself 

Learn to forgive yourself 

For all the missteps and mistakes 

No one is perfect 

So if you can learn to forgive others

Why not forgive yourself!

Allow yourself to mourn 

Mourn the passing of a loved one

Mourn the difficult parting

Mourn heartbreaks and break ups

Mourn endings

And then let the healing begin

And move on

Be not afraid to cry

To find those teardrops in your eye

Cause not matter what the world says

There’s no shame in crying

Cause when you do 

You let your bottled emotions flow

So be not afraid to shed a tear or two!

Accept yourself for who you are 

Cause we are not always perfect 

Perfection may or may not be a myth

But remember we are all flawed

Perfectly imperfect the way we are

So embrace your flaws and imperfection 

So that’s what makes you!!!

Learn to love yourself 

Like the love to you give to others

Why not give some for yourself 

Cause it’s only when you love yourself 

That you can love anyone else 

So please give a lot of love to yourself!!!

So be kind to yourself 

Others may not always be kind to you 

Your kindness may not always be reciprocated 

So nor matter what don’t give up 

Don’t ever change 

But be kind to yourself 

Cause that’s the way you find 

the hope and strength to carry on!!!