Hey there! Hope I didn’t shock you, I didn’t scandalise you? Oh come on! What did you do spect!!! I am not that innocent! What did you think? Ye bole surat pe mat ja (if my surat can be called that)! But then my sexual escapades isn’t the topic of discussion here, so sorry to burst your inquisitive bubble, was worried about your well-being, after all curiosity did kill the cat!
Well, to get to the point, wow, four decades (or almost, depending when I get this one out), where did you go!!! Is it possible to form memories of infancy? I don’t think so! I have sure come a long, long way, from the cherubic bun pav, to this road runner (beep, beep) who’s still not yet quite grown, an overthinker, not quite the optimist, the over caring, over doing fool, day dreamer, perpetually lost, with my head stuck in the cloud, always ready to doze off at the drop of the hat, a slow learner, fitness freak (though I detest being called one), a jive lover, a love fool, not a model from any angle! Wow that’s quite a lot of adjective for one boy (if I dare call a 40 year old uncle that’s).
If life’s a rollercoaster, I am going to ride it till the very end, enjoying the highs and lows, experiencing the thrills of all the twists and turns, dips and falls. I am going to put my hands in the air and scream till I can scream no more, till my throat is sore. If life’s like red wine, I am gonna get drunk on it (an ironic statement from a teetotaller). I have faced the lemons thrown at me (and I know for sure it isn’t done yet), didn’t quite have tequila, but did have my fair share of lemonade that I can say I have a lemon overdose.
I have been through heartaches and heartbreaks, loved and lost, and loved and lost once more, all of my own doing. Not that I am a Love fool, with my heart on my sleeves, it’s just that I am a sucker for that loving feeling l and I hope I never loose it, cause you can never know when Cupid shall strike you down with its arrow. Through all the heartbreaks, and coming to terms with myself, I still have hope, and still grateful for each of them cause I’ve grown through each of them. I’ve had false starts, gotten way ahead of myself, got into my head. I have learned that’s its never good to overthink or go too fast. Let things flow, let things happen let things take its own time to mature, hiding on to your horses. I have seen friends and their families, with their better halves, and wished I could have the same, show my affections without caring about others, to be who I am, to love who I want. After all I am just a boy standing in front of a _____ asking to be loved, asking them to have this dance forever.
I have always been a person who has strived to be there for others when they need me, feeling hopeless and guilty when I am unable to do so, when they don’t seek out help. But who provides hope when you need it the most. I hate that hopeless feeling of being all alone, having no one to turn to, when I need them the most. I don’t think I can ever bear the thought of loosing another loved one, of sitting through chemo, seeing a loved one slowly slip away, to stand all by myself as they unbox the mortal remains of your father. I wish I had someone to console me, to hold me, to tell me, rather than me forcing myself to be strong. In these moments I wish I had someone to hold on to, cry and not care.
I have made my fair share of mistakes, and I say fair share I mean a lot. I have stumbled and fell, fallen smack on face, sometimes on my fat ass. I have by my lowest of lows without reaching the highest of highs, I’ve done things, said things, I know I’m not proud of, things I’ve regretted. But I have learned to live with my mistakes, dusted myself and picked myself, and at times repeated those mistakes again. I have my share of setbacks and disappointments. There have been moments when I have wanted to scream and shout, to let that lump in my throat turn to tears, and let it flow. There have been time when I wanted to give it all up, to let it go. But in these moments of darkness I found a resilience to fight through it, and I hope I can help others fight their demons, in my own little way.
Through running and writing I’ve found a way to lay it all on the road and in the words. In those words I have found a way to say things, express views that I find difficult to say. The roads have helped find a way to take my frustrations, pains and sorrows, to push myself beyond me. Running has given me a way to give back what I have received (and I mean this in a good way).
So, wow, four decades done and dusted, I hope I can make it through another. So here’s to the decades gone by, to the years to come, to love and life and all it has in store. So cheers to love, life, family and friends, the years to come, the memories to be made, looking forward to what it has in store for me. And yes when I go out I want to go out dancing!
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