Colour Me

I don’t really celebrate Holi, never really got why we need to apply all that colour and then spend the rest of the week removing it. Or maybe it stemmed from the fact that growing up we were never really allowed to celebrate it as my aunt would say it not Catholic to celebrate a Hindu festival (something I have grown out of by now as there’s no religion to celebration) or how can you celebrate a festival during lent (as Holi inadvertently fell during lent) and how do you celebrate during lent, a time for fasting and abstaining (again something that I was always told by my aunts. We did however celebrate it with water but we were never allowed to waste too much and also there was the scare of catching a cold.

Well that’s that about not celebrating Holi in my childhood,but somehow here I was wanting to be part of the celebration, not because I wanted to celebrate, but because I didn’t want to be by myself, all on my own with just me and my mind. 

I had been riding a low wave and didn’t want to go through a downward spiral. It was not as if I wanted to be around these people or long for their company, I just wanted to be around people, to loose myself and the loneliness I was feeling. And if I was around people who I knew, not some complete strangers then that was perfectly fine.

I was furious at myself for putting myself in this predicament. How did I even get here? Haven’t I not learned from the past? Why was my history repeating itself? Maybe this was what they meant when they said that history repeats itself because men repeat their mistake (make that because people repeat their mistake, well we need to sensitive about gender neutrality).

I had promised never to put someone else’s priorities before yours. Not to make someone, who wasn’t you the centre of your universe, make someone your priority. Yet here you were, back at square one, driving yourself bonkers, going into overthinking overdrive.

How could you do this to yourself. It’s good to be loving and kind, that’s your inherent nature, but that shouldn’t come at a cost of your mental well being. And yet you found yourself doing  just that, and you hated yourself for that.

You hated the insecurity and uncertainty, not knowing what was there, or if there’s anything was there in the first place. You hated this feeling that made your even more anxious, driving you off the cliff.

You hated the fact that you were being considerate of the others situation, the others feeling without being sensitive to your feelings, to your needs, to what you wanted. 

You hated you couldn’t express it, communicate what you felt, what you wanted, because you were too afraid of hurting and being hurt, afraid of loosing it all.

You hated that you had expectations and that when you did something and not get what you had expected you were left feeling this hurt. You hated the disappointment when you didn’t get the response you expected, you wanted and then you are left feeling guilty of having done the same in the past.

You just didn’t wanted to be a text and no phone calls, a formality. You just didn’t wanted to be taken for granted, but you feared that was what was exactly happening.

And to make matters worst, work life sucked too, like it always does, stressing you out even more.

So you had the whole self-hate, self-loathing, hurt and loneliness in you. You didn’t want to be alone, so you went for the celebration. And it did exactly what you hope it to do.

Though I tried to runway when my friends try to colour, it was all just an act, to show as if I didn’t want to be coloured. In my head I wanted them to apply that colour cause it was a way to hide the sadness that I felt . And somehow the colour did just that and then some more, it actually made forget my cares, made me forget the pain that I felt, the downward spiral that I had found myself in. It helped me loose myself and enjoy the moment with people who were friends, though not all close, but yet dear to me (of course, me being me).

And as I found myself being coloured it felt like my monochrome life was getting a technicolor touch. In those moment I was able to put behind my cares and loneliness and just celebrate the moment, enjoy it, cherish it, savour it, smile and laugh my cares away. 

I couldn’t help but admire the unbridled joy and happiness of those around me. I definitely shied away from the celebration, but couldn’t help myself but enjoy and partake in their joy. And what else, they took to spreading it to others too, irrespective of age, gender, cast, religion, ethnicity, nationality. What was more special was that others joined in too, to partake in the festival, to partake in the celebrations, the joy. It was no longer was a festival of a particular religion, a particular nationality, it was festival for all, a way of not just celebrating but bringing souls together and making everyone smile. That what festivals are meant to do, bring people closer.

I would have normally not really want to get myself coloured, cause it’s painstakingly difficult to get it all off, but in that moment I was glad that I decided to join in the fun, cause it made me forget how lonely and low I was feeling, how desperate and hopelessly lost I was, and just have a lot of fun.

In those moments my life went from jaded to bright, from monochrome to technicolor, colouring my life with joy.