Addiction

She woke up in a pool of sweat. She had this strange uneasy feeling, as her heart thumped rapidly against her chest. She sat up and tried to calm herself down, but she couldn’t shake off this uneasy feeling, threatening to drag her deeper and deeper into an abyss which seemed bottomless. She could feel a panic grip her as she struggled to breathe, struggled to catch her breath, or was it that she had altogether forgotten how to breathe.

She got off her bed and slowly walked to the window, taking deep breaths, trying calm herself and the world around her, through the affirmation she had learned. It did help a wee bit, but still she couldn’t shake off this feeling that was gripping her heart.

This wasn’t the first time and she knew to wouldn’t be the last time she would have these episodes. She made some coffee and made her way to the he window. As she stared down at the world below that was groggily awaking from its slumber. As she stared at the world below she felt like the ground below her beckoned her promising to set her free. And she was tempted to giving into it, to take that leap of faith and let it all go, to se herself free from the pain she felt. But at the same time she knew this wasn’t the answer to her problem, the answer she sought.

As she she sipped and stared outside her window at the pre dawn skies wondering how did she find herself in this mess. How did she get entangled in this web of deceit as hard as she tried to not to get drawn into it. Yet her she was, all messed up and entangled in this shit. She had tried to protect herself from it and yet she found herself fallen for the things she protected herself from.

He came on the wings of the wind and ensnared her heart. She fells for his words, although she thought she was immune from it. Somehow she found herself giving herself completely to him and to the ideas and notions he planted in her mind. And although her head tried to caution her (as she had been here before), her heart wouldn’t listen. He had taken control over her soul. 

Her friends had warned her but she paid no heed, but now was paying the price for her deed. And when she realised this , it was much too late, he had a hold on her heart. How much she tried to escape his grip, the more she felt his claws dig deeper  into her heart, refusing to let go off her no matter how hard she tried.

She knew what she had to do, remove him from her life, erase him and set him free. Cause like a wound he was festering from within and she couldn’t help but keep tormenting herself. But this one simple act she was finding very hard to do, cause letting go meant letting go of all the moments that they shared, even though at hindsight, it was just an illusion.

So there she found herself checking her messages, checking his status, his posts, though not responding to any of them. Somehow she sensed he knew what she was doing and through his post manipulated her even more, messed with her head, making her feel like the villain of the piece, when in fact she was the victim.

She stared outside into the night sky, having this strange sensation that he was behind her. She wondered how long would she go on living this way, tormenting herself. Her mobile beeped and instinctively she looked at it wondering if it was from him. But then she sighed and knew what she had to do, if she had to make it through. She looked at the skies and muttered “I forgive you”, setting him free, she deleted his contact, from her address book and social media accounts, from her heart, setting herself free. She dropped her mobile phone and sunk back into bed to a peaceful sleep.