Being YOU

It’s not easy being who you are. Its not easy being different, something that society terms as not normal and unnatural. It’s not easy to live out proud and loud, for all to see. It’s not because you are afraid, or you are hiding in your closet. It’s the way you choose to be. And this is not easy to be when you feel constant pressure and judgement.

They may say that love is love is love is love, but this is not true. Love is not the same everywhere. A non-heteronormative love has many labels and boxes that you need to fit into. And you need to navigate through it all these labels and obstacles to find what you are looking for. And when you get to the one, you are all fatigued from navigating the hurdles and obstacles, making you wonder if it is worth it all. You end up being paranoid.

When you find the one you wonder if you are able to vibe, whether you are compatible, sexually and emotionally. And when it comes right at the start, it can make or break what you worked so hard for.

And no matter whether you are out and proud, or quiet and to yourself, happy being who you are, you are emotionally fragile. 

You think and overthink everything, you read and over read into every word and line and situation. You let your paranoia get the better of you when you keep analysing and overanalysing every situation, every word, every action, trying to understand what was the purpose of the action, when you try to read between the lines, when there’s nothing there between those lines. 

You let your past experience work you up, build up fears, form clouds of doubt in your head. Every situation works you up, every action, or inaction, is scrutinised to extent of paranoia. And then you are labelled too emotional.

Its being someone who doesn’t follow the the norms of the community. Your lack of interest for all the parties and orgies like get together, makes you feel quite, quite boring, quite vanilla. You end up wanting a very heteronormative relationship and commitment, which is so difficult in community where promiscuousness is rampant (and there are instances where you too fell for this ). But isn’t men in general supposed to be promiscuous, wanting to speed their seed. 

All you want is to spend time with the one you love. To be in their company. To have their presence in your life. To feel their touch, their caress, their love. You love the attention. But at the same time you are socially awkward. You are not comfortable in parties, you don’t really smoke or drink, you tend to go into your shell, and prefer to be home before midnight (and no, you’re not Cinderella).

All this makes you feel like the least interesting person, boring, bland and vanilla (there I used the term again).

This makes it difficult for you to find companionship, and if you find it, it’s difficult to sustain it (but then aren’t every relationship difficult to sustain). So you end up going through breakups and heartaches. But instead of giving yourself time to heal you find yourself falling in love, cause you’re a fool for love.

And despite it all you can’t help but be who you are. Who you are meant to be. And whether it’s not easy to be you, there’s no other you who you would rather be, no matter how many times you wished you would rather be someone else.