Turning 43

For me birthdays have always been special. It’s your day, a day you celebrate you, it’s your name day (it looks like I am back to GoT mode once again). It’s the day for cutting cakes, dressing in your finest, wining and dining, and toasting you. Raising a toast to growing older, to another year under your belt. You made it through another year, or should I say, you survived another one. 

But turning 43 felt different. It felt lonely and melancholic, rather than joyful and celebratory. It had me feeling low and lost, a bit flustered and frustrated, a bit broody and weary and disturbed. It had me internalising and being an introvert.

And no, I have no problem with growing older, or even greyer. I have accepted that a longtime back and embraced it. Growing older has it perks, except when you get called an uncle. 

You are down not because of growing older but because of your circumstances, your situation.

2022 has been (so far),  a tough year. From struggling with health issues of the mental and physical kind, to the stubborn weight that refused to leave your side (literally). If that wasn’t enough you end up having to cope with break ups and heart aches. And then you have your loneliness that makes you wonder if you are ever going to find a suitable mate, even before you have given yourself time to heal from your past wounds. You wonder, do good men deserve to find love, even the vanilla, boring kind.

Your expectations, your loneliness, your fear from your past, your past mistakes, your past situations, your past experiences, lead you down the path of anxiousness, of self-doubt, and self-inflicted pain.

There were times (and there are still time) where you wish you could escape it all, where you wished that this pain would end, that this feeling of loneliness could just go away and leave you to yourself (the irony of the statement). Where you could sleep and never wake up.

All you wanted to do is runaway from it all, put an end to it all, find some peace of mind, when you feel there’s no end in sight. Somehow you struggle with your loneliness the fear of being alone, fear of being rejected, fear of not being accepted cause you don’t vibe, or you don’t satisfy them physically. All leaves you wondering if you deserve to find someone to love you like the way you are willing to love.

If I could sum up my head, before my birthday, I could do it in these lyrics by Roxette -

You want to hide when you're alone

Where do you run to when everything's gone

You're looking to find a good thing in life

But nothing's in sight at the end of the line

So where do you hide when you're alone

Where do you run to when you're on your own

That dream in the dark just sank like a stone

That voice in your heart

It won't come to the phone

It never comes

Rishikesh has always been on the list of places I wanted to travel to, with all the people visiting it , and yes wanted to do rafting and bungee jumping. Also, I wanted to take a stab at solo travels. I heard of so many people talk about doing a solo travel, it made me want to do the same and see what’s the fuss was all about, experience it all.

But then there was also a fear and sense of hesitation and nervousness, considering I was going through a low, confusing, patch in life. You have this sense of apprehension of whether if this is the right thing to do, is this the right moment go on such an undertaking. But you need to to get away from it all, cause if you don’t, it threatens to consume you whole.You need to find your sanity, you need to find a peace of mind and so you go on the trip.

While in Rishikesh, I may not have found the answers to the questions that riddled my mind, or a way out of the circumstances I had put myself in, the predicament I found myself in. I don’t think I even expected to find answers and solutions, for that matter even love (though somewhere you hoped you could have one those romantic stories where you find love on trips).

What Rishikesh did give me were moments of peace and tranquility, moments to sit in silence and take it all in. Moments to declutter my mind, moments to make sense  of the insanity in my head. It gave me moments to appreciate the faith and beliefs of humanity, to not view everything from a religious point, to open your mind and just accept. 

So be it sitting quietly at the ghats, observing the mighty Ganga as it flowed steadily, while devotees took dips in her, trying to find a way to wash away their past transgressions, to get her blessing, to find moksha.

You found peace while dipping your feet in a stream, or just observing it flow, overcoming all the obstacles, the rocks that came in its way, and in it you found a lesson for yourself.

You found serenity just staring at the mighty Ganga as she flowed through the valley down below, or the Misty mountains covered in clouds, with the moon right over it. 

But then there were crowds and crowds of people with their mobile phone trying to click pics and selfies as they crossed the bridges, or pedestrians walking in lanes meant for vehicles. And while you want to take in the Ganga Aarti, you have these aunties who insist on video calling their relatives, or capturing it on their phones which they held up, even though they had the best seats on the ghats. But then you realised you too were one of them.

You have crowds and crowds of people  in places where you wish you could have some peace and tranquility.

Then you had your dorm mate who insisted on being your guide and show you around the place and take you through lanes and by lanes and telling you about places and myths, when you just wanted some alone time to be with yourself and thoughts. But in hindsight, I did appreciate his company, cause me alone with my thoughts would have been a recipe for disaster.

My decision to stay in dorm of a hostel, rather than at a hotel, actually helped quite a bit. It pushed me to get out of introverted shell, which I keep going into, make acquaintances and find my own way, rather meander around, dragging my feet feeling sorry for myself.

So at the end of this little strip, little solo adventure, I may have not found the solution to my problems, answers to my questions, ways to stop reading into things too much, to stop overthinking. I was still still a bit disturbed, still had heaviness and anxiety. 

However, what I did get a from this trip were moments of clarity, moments to realise that if I need to find peace, I need to make peace in my mind, accept the situation , have no expectations, anchor myself. I had to avoid letting my emotions to get the better of me, though it’s alright to be emotional at times , to cry at times, but not let it control me. I have to stop overanalysing and overthinking and over reading into things, cause the more I did it the more I am leaving myself open to hurting myself. I had to stop having expectations from others, cause everyone has their own ways and agendas.

But most importantly I learned I desperately needed to be by myself for sometime, not let my loneliness become my desperate need to be loved and in a relationship. I needed to be more kind to myself, more appreciative and respectful of myself as I am of others. And accept myself for who I am, a little broken, a little damaged, a little disturbed.

So there you have it, I am 43 and sure hope I can put these realisation to effect to help me be better and saner.

And do I want to do more travels on my own, well the world is large and life is short, so why not I enjoy my own company while making memories.