Goodbye... Once Again...

It’s a surreal feeling, in fact you really don’t know how to feel, or what to feel, that’s what makes it so surreal. The last time I saw her was when we were lowering her to her resting place (which wasn’t her final resting place), and now all of left of her were bones. I try to tell myself that this is just a physical manifestation, of what was left of her. Her soul, her spirit are long since gone, moved on to a better place, to always be with you.

She looks so light (at least what’s left of her) making you wonder if she was always this light. Those final days it was difficult to move her not because she was heavy but because with the progression of the disease to its fatal stages had afflicted her body unable to help others to help her. The sad state of loved ones dealing with various ailments.

There’s all this emotions welling up, threatening to burst to the surface, but you’ve got a lid on it, not because you don’t want to show the world your tears. Damn you are that guy who wells up so easily, gets emotional at the drop of the hat, but when it comes to situations like these you find it in your self to hold it all together, to hold it within yourself, not letting it out even if you want to. You just wished in these moments you had someone hold you and tell you that all will be alright. 

I remember smiling (not in a weird creepy way) in a warm way, as I stood there thanking the people who had come to support her. Finally when i found myself at his grave, I let myself go. Just wanting someone to hold me. Yes we men too need the emotional support, big boys do cry. It’s strange how we manage to find strength when we need it.

As we finally lay her down once more, in her what is to be her finally resting place, in the company of her her parents and siblings, I know she would be at peace, and in a way I know I will find peace, a closure. She’s finally home with her family (and one day I know I will too). But for now I am standing there with all these feelings and emotions, finally saying goodbye once more, knowing she’s got company.