They say it’s kind of an exciting time when you close one chapter and start another. I seriously want to find that someone and give that person a good shake up. Bittersweet... Yes... Exciting it is definitely not. When you close a chapter on a relationship it can be a strange and exciting time. Strange because you are not used to be single and alone (even though towards the end it was what you felt), exciting cause you get to meet others, the unknown. So yes in a way your excited, which makes it bittersweet.
You try and meet others, trying to keep your head and heart out of the way, to go with the flow not expecting, just seeing where it would lead you. But they being the interfering gits will always get in the way. So you meet others and then analyse where would they fit in the whole scheme of things. What would happen to bonds you make when you meet the one. You begin to categorise them in zones where you would rather have them, where you would rather see them. Something You shouldn’t be doing cause you promised yourself you wouldn’t do that but inadvertently you end up doing.
So with each person you meet you are trying to figure out is there something there, a spark, a future, overanalysing, things your shouldn’t even be thinking (cause you’re an over thinker). So while you’re in the meeting mode, you are also in trying to figure out mode.
You meet people, people you easily hit off with, people who make you wonder if there’s something there that wasn’t there before, a spark? But then you try to take it slow, wondering if you should give it time and not rush into anything (cause wisemen say only fools rush in). So you want take it nice and slow, see what’s out there, before you let your heart settle (cause your heart wants to settle). At times you get worried if they would become the ones who got away.
You meet some who are more than half your age. You really like them, care for them but you can’t get over the age difference which makes you wonder if the generation gap will be impediment, afraid that it would. You have no intention of being the male cougar, a sugar daddy, titles you want to avoid, you want to stay away from. But then sometimes you ask yourself if it’s worth it, and so you friend zone them, no matter how much you care for them.
Then there are those who you haven’t met in person yet, but who still get you all excited, all revved up, who get your engine running. Who you hope to meet sometime soon, to get to know them beyond their posts and words, to connect with them. At time you wonder if it’s worth it to wait for them and put what you could have, on a hold, and wait for the unknown, what if there’s nothing there, then what do you do? Inspite of all this you still want to take the chance, to see what could be.
You meet those who you have a great conversation, who share yours thoughts and ideas, who shares zero chemistry with you. Though they may be good company, the spark just isn’t there. But then these are the ones you wish to still be friends with. Then there are those you would rather forget, you rather move on and not spend any more time and energy.
They say when you close a chapter on a relationship it meant to bring a sense of ease, a sense of relief, but what they don’t mention is the loneliness, the desperation, the depression, a longing, a hope to get back to the way things were before, to patch things up. Hoping there’s a hope for us.
Suddenly you wonder when did you get so desperate, so lonely, so insecure. You wonder when did you become so horny, a despo, a slut, in a way making you feel ashamed of what you’ve become cause that’s not who you are, or that’s not who you think you are. Loneliness eats you, and makes you do silly things.
But then despite all this you still continue to hope, you still continue to believe that’s there’s someone out there for you. You believe that sometime you have to kiss a thousand of frogs to find the right (damn that’s a lot of frogs to kiss, hope they have good breath, which is wishful thinking). You still believe...
Life is like a book... some chapter are sad, some are happy, and some are exciting. But if you never turn the page, you will never know what the next chapter holds.
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