I’ll be home for Christmas...

As he stood there, in front of the mirror, adjusting his shirt, staring at the man who stood in front of him, he felt this chill run down his spine, a feeling of nervousness, a feeling of dread. It was the Holidays, and Christmas meant spending time with the family, and exchanging presents, attending mass, and Christmas lunch with the entire family. He had done this all his life, he looked forward to these traditions, but this year he was hesitant and very nervous about this tradition.

In the past year he had come out to his family. He was scared to tell them his truth but then he had to, he couldn’t be something he was not, he had to be open to them, they were his family, he needed to be true to them. When he finally did, he prepared for the worst, for the drama, for the hysteria, somehow that didn’t quite happen. His siblings, who constantly ribbed and bullied him, picking on him at every chance they could get, accepted him unconditionally, were happy that he finally found his voice to tell them something they had guessed, they had known all this while. They wanted him to realise that and say that.

His parents were a different thing all together. His mother didn’t know how to react to his revelation, she was worried what she would tell her church group, their relatives and friends. But in the end she was a mother, and though this was not what she expected, not what she envisioned for her son, she accepted him. His father, a strict disciplinarian, always expecting his children to behave in a way they should, on their best behaviour, never shying from reprimanding when they dropped the ball. When he came out to him, he didn’t react, didn’t show any anger or resentment, let alone acceptance. He was most scared to face him.

This would be the first time he would be facing them since he revealed his secret to them, since he came out to them, and he was nervous to face them, especially his father. For the first time in his life he didn’t t want to be part of this tradition. To make things a little complex, he was getting his boyfriend along, the love of his life. Now he was all the more nervous about his predicament.

As he struggled to tie his tie, he came from behind, and helped him fix it and straightened his shirt. Kissing him, he told him how handsome he looked. He could sense his nervousness, he could feel it, he could see it. He asked to him to take a deep breath and relax, he had his back, and if things went south they could always leave. He hugged him tight and once again kissed him. They put on their coats and  picked the gifts and left.

Across town she sat there wrapping her presen, neatly tying the bow. Once done, she returned back to applying her eyeshadow. She paused and glanced at her reflection in the mirror. So much had changed over the past year, she had changed so much. She finally found herself, she finally found her place in this world. She  couldn’t be something that she was not. What she was not was male. 

She was born male but always associated as female, something she fought all her life. She was bullied, physically and mentally abused, made fun of, called names, ostracised for who she chose to be. In the beginning she did try to live according to the norms of society, who her family wanted her to be. But she couldn’t keep up with the farce. She was a woman trapped in a man’s body, and if she didn’t  do anything about it, to set the woman free, it would consume her, it would be the end of her.

She finally found the courage to do something about it. She couldn’t go about living a lie. So she finally decided to transition to who she truly identified as. But then there was a price to be paid. In doing so she lost her family, who were angry with her decision, believing that she had brought shame one her family, she would bring the wrath of the almighty on them for the so called sin she had committed. 

As she continued to stare at her reflection in the mirror, reflecting on the year gone by, a tear drop appeared in the corner eye. She dabbed it off carefully not wanting to ruin it all. It was Christmas and she missed her family a lot, after all Christmas was the time with family and loved one, and somehow she found herself alone. She would do anything to just to be with her family on Christmas, except not changing whom she had become. Fixing her make up, she straightened her dress and collected the gift she was wrapping. She got into her car and set off. 

As they drove to their respective destinations, they couldn’t help but have this nervous fear deep within them. Scared at what lay ahead of them, at that moment, in life to come. To ease the tension, they turned on the radio, and a familiar carol played on the station they had tuned in on. They couldn’t help but sing along with it...

“I'll be home for Christmas

You can plan on me

Please have snow and mistletoe

And presents under the tree”

He came to stop in front of a familiar gate, the one that he had opened a million times, the one he ran through. He felt a moment of hesitation, a moment of doubt, not wanting to get out of the confines of the safety of his car, where he felt safe. He didn’t  want to step into the unknown. But his love reassured him, took him by the hand and led him to the front door. He took a deep breath as he rang the bell, expecting the worst. As luck would have it his father opened the door. For a moment they just stood there, trying to gauge the other’s reaction. And then his father smiled, something he had longed to see but didn’t believe he would ever see it. 

His father grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him into a warm embrace, kissing him on his cheek. His mother couldn’t contain her emotions and was already in tears, as he found himself sobbing like a baby, tears of happiness. When they finally let go, he introduced his boyfriend to them. They welcomed him with open arms, as if they had known for ages. And then his siblings did what they had always done, playfully picked on him, teasing him in front of his love. This was the best Christmas, the best present he could ever hope for, cause he was his authentic self with the people who mattered to him, who he cared for, who he loved, during the festive season. He could ask for nothing more from life, This was his perfect Christmas.

Across town she finally reached her destination. This was it, she thought to herself, to be true to herself, to who she was. She was scared, nervous, but it was now or never, no turning back. For the first time in her life she could be her true authentic self, not living behind a farce, a mask, a lie. She had chosen this and now she needed to be prepared to stand her ground, stand by her decision. There had been others who walked down this path before, and now it was her turn to do the same. And if they could do it then so could she.

These thoughts brought her courage, spurred her on. As she knocked on the door, she hummed to herself, “I’ll be home for Christmas...”. And as she hummed the door opened. She was greeted by the Pride Flag, and a family she had chosen to be a part of. She was welcomed warmly and with open arms by the family she chose to be with. Concluding the carol she was humming...

I’ll be home for Christmas...

If only in my dreams!