What’s done is done

What’s done is done 

What’s gone is gone

There’s nothing you can do 

To get it undone that’s what has been done

No matter how badly you wish 

You could go back and undo 

That what has been done

That what has gone 

What’s done is done

And it can’t be undone

It’s time to put the rest 

The ghosts that haunts your head

Exorcise the demons and their torments

That refuse to leave us till we are dead

The past is done and gone

So don’t let it haunt and torment and torture

What’s done is done 

And nothing you can do will get it undone

It’s time to let go and find a release 

From the clutches of regrets

It’s time to move on 

No matter how much you try to hold on 

Not wanting to let go

But that’s what you need to 

And that’s for the best for you

Cause there’s freedom in letting go 

What was not meant to be yours

That was meant to be forever

What’s done is done 

It something that can never be undone 

So let it all go and set yourself free

Put the past behind

A fleeting reflection in the rear view mirror

Not something to hold on to

Not matter how bitter and scarred it has been

It’s in moving on will there be healing 

A chance to find peace and grow stronger 

Once you let go and leave it all behind

What’s done is done 

What’s gone is gone

There nothing that can be done 

So let go and move on and heal 

And find the peace that no one can deny!!!

The week that was…

Oh what a week it has been… from birthdays to restarts and new beginnings to starting of new chapters and making new connections and reconnecting with old ones… the week had all of it!

To begin with, the week had its share of birthdays, beginning with mumma’s 74th one, to the birthdays of your fellow running buddies and coach. This meant a lot of birthday messages and birthday posts, which at times can be tiresome but at the same time pretty fulfilling.

The week also saw a return to working from office, albeit in a hybrid format. After almost 5 plus years of working from home, it felt good to finally work from office, a good change of scenery, a return back to a life that you once lived.

But most importantly, the week also saw you starting a new job after a month of being jobless. 

You’ve got to be really grateful that you found a new job within a month after you lost your last one knowing that many out there who have gone through the same thing as you have and are still searching for a job. You are grateful and thankful but also you not taking for granted what you have and the people who stood by you and through it all. Most importantly you are thankful that you maintained bonds and connections and didn’t burned bridges that helped you get through it all.

So it’s time to put away all the hurt and helplessness and the rejections and the anxiety and the fear of the sword hanging over your head, all the self-doubts and tears. Time to put it all behind you and start a new chapter.

But still there’s a lingering self-doubt, the anxious feeling, a sense of fear of failing, that refuses to go away despite your best effort to rid yourself of these feelings. You have been scarred and it’s these scars that remind you, that scares you.

But in the end you know you need to move on and start afresh and let the experience be a lesson that you have learned, one that you should not repeat again, one that you should never take for granted.

And, as your burgers and fries mentioned, you are here to work and not to make friend, so you don’t have to be so sweet and kind, and maybe this is something I need to incorporate, but knowing me, this is going to be damn difficult.

So you have it, you are starting a new job, but at the same time it means returning back to the workplace to work from office, to working amongst people as against working remotely on your own.

So once again you are figuring out the fastest way of getting to office, which meant taking multiple mode of transportation, and thanks to connectivity you can actual do it.

So it’s running to catch a train and standing in long lines only to stand in buses, trying to get to office without looking like you bathed on the way. And then you figure out other and quicker ways of getting to office, like changing metros. But that meant you reached office in one mass of sweat, but still you reached pretty quickly.

So there you have it, a pretty interesting week, a week of celebrations and firsts and restart, the week that was!!!!

Don’t stop believing…

Don’t stop believing, Journey sang

And how true are these words

Cause we are the believers, the truth seekers

The never giving uppers

Holding onto a feeling, a belief

Even if it’s just a glimmer of hope

We continue to hope and believe 

Hope that the tide will turn 

And things will  go our way

A belief that things will get better, eventually 

Cause we can’t loose hope

We can’t loose faith

Cause if we do, it will be the end of us

So we continue hope and have faith

And continue to believe 

That no matter how things may seem

No matter how things may be

Even if we are tossed on life’s tempest

Hope will always get us through

Hope will always get us there 

No matter how bad life may seem

No matter how dire our situation may be

We will find a way to survive

To rise up and shine

Like a phoenix, from the ashes of despair

We will soar high 

Cause we have hope in our soul 

And faith, the wind beneath our wings 

And a belief that we’ll make it through

So as long as be keep believing 

Holding onto a feeling of hope, of faith 

We will survive and thrive 

So as Journey sang 

Don’t stop believing 

Hold on to the feeling!!!

An evening at the concert…

Truth be told, I’ve never been a die hard fan of Coldplay. Although you have heard their songs , and many of their songs live rent-free inside your head, you still don’t count yourself as a die hard fan. But then your burgers and fries is, so you tag along for your burgers and fries, at the same time you could also do with a distraction, with all that was happening in your life. 

By the end of the night, you were glad that you did. It was something magical. Something that you didn’t know that you needed till you experienced it.

You didn’t just see them perform, you didn’t just hear the songs that they sang, you felt the music as it moved through you, reverberating through your body. You felt the music in the air that moved you and all who were there. An experience for all the entire sensory system.

The music turned its magic on, and suddenly you could feel your heart beat beneath your skin, making you feel alive again! 

The music turned on a switch and the stadium was bathed in the beautiful glow of the countless bands that lit up on cue as the music played. It felt like the stars had descended on to the stadium and were shinning just for you and they were yellow, red and blue and every colour. Was this what paradise looked like, or was just dream of paradise. It was indeed an adventure of a lifetime, an experience of a lifetime.

The music traveled from the stage to your heart at the speed of sound leaving you with this feeling like you were drunk and high. It had this power that made you feel like you were their universe and all they wanted to do was put you first.

It didn’t matter who you were, if you weren’t any kind of superhero. All it asked of you is where you wanted to go and how much you were willing to risk, and it took you just there, something just like this, what you wanted.

You joined the countless others in that stadium, singing, dancing and cheering and clapping, like you were part of some Roman Cavalry Choir singing as Jerusalem bells could be heard ringing.

Even songs that you weren’t familiar with had you humming and singing and dancing along.

It felt so special, it felt so magical, an experience that you were glad to experience knowing that you almost had thoughts of giving it a miss because of your troubles and strife (and not wife, cause yours truly is unmarried and single). You were glad you got to share this experience with your burgers and fries knowing how much it meant to them, but then you never knew that you needed this too.

You just prayed that this moment would never end. But like everything that’s beautiful and good, this too had to come to an official end.

But not before you it had you squealing with delight when Chris Martin playfully and jokingly said he was from the Sanjay Gandhi National Park, causing you and your burgers and fries to cheer loudly.

In the end, when the band finally sang Fix You it had the entire stadium singing in unison. In that moment you knew that the music, like a soothing balm, like a beautiful, magical ointment, fixed you, fixed the pain and lowness and loneliness you felt, that you were going through. As the band sang you could see the lights guiding you home, slowly trying to fix you.

In the end you were glad that you listened to your burgers and fries and put all that you were going through behind you and attended something so magical, a kind of once in a lifetime experience, something you hadn’t experienced before and something you may not experience again. Ok that may not be entirely true, but not in the same way.

So in the end you sure did have a one of a kind, experience of a lifetime!!!

That’s me in the corner…

That’s me in the corner 

That’s me trying to avoid the spotlight 

Cause when I find myself in it 

It’s for all the wrong reasons 

Making me wish I was somewhere else instead!

That’s me in the corner

The one that’s often overlooked 

that’s often ignored and forgotten

Always on their own

Nothing quiet special

In fact quiet ordinary to look at

A bit of a bore!

That’s me in the corner 

Always on my own 

Wanting something or someone to call my own

But often left sad and forelone

Wanting to love but scared of getting hurt

Wanting to love but often friend-zoned!

That’s me in the corner 

Wide and eyed and smiling 

Trying to appear cheerful and positive

But internally wracked with 

Nervous anxiety 

An eternal pessimist

Coupled with low self-confidence 

And high self-doubt

That refuses to leave me alone

Often insisting keeping me from being on my own!

That’s me in the corner 

Someone who’s frightened of happiness 

Cause something bad might happen next

Someone who’s worried about 13s and

17s

As they come with their share of trouble

And anything falling in these days 

Will never go your way

Call it superstition or overthinking 

It’s just the way you are!

That’s me in the corner

Someone hoping to be in the spotlight 

Cause no matter what 

You have faith

And prayer on lips 

And hope in your soul

No matter how things may turn out

All will be good in the end

And you’ll no longer be

The one in the corner!!!

The little person in your head

There’s this person 

Residing inside your head

Living absolutely rent free

Constantly whispering in your ears

Constantly sowing seeds of doubts 

Making you think and rethink and overthink

The one that sees 

What others and you don’t see

The bad in the good

The negative in the positive 

Who’s constantly on the lookout 

For dark clouds on a beautiful sunny day

Always diverting your mind

To the worse that could happen

Even when everything is going right

Sending you in a tailspin 

Filling you with anxiety 

Turning you into a nervous wreck

The one who goes at everything 

With a magnifying glass

Magnifying even the smallest of doubts

Magnifying every insecurities 

Magnifying the smallest of flaws

The smallest of mistake

Magnifying it 10 times than what it should be

The one who’s constantly questioning 

Constantly doubting 

Doubting  your capabilities and abilities 

Constantly causing you to doubt yourself

Weakening your hope

Shaking up your faith 

Always causing you to self-doubt

Always causing you to think for the worst 

Even when there’s chance for good

That inner saboteur that constantly doubting

That’s constantly questioning

Who makes you constantly live in fear

Who makes you live in 

A constant state of anxiousness 

Oh how you wish they would leave you be

And stop living rent free

So that you can evict them 

This person that lives in your mind!!!

All will be alright

Everything will be alright, they say

But the question is 

When will things be alright

Have faith, they say 

But how much faith should one have

Before they begin to break

Be patient and things will get better

But how much patience should one have

For how long would one have to patiently wait 

Cause for someone that’s racked with anxiety 

Coupled with an overthinking mind 

That’s in constant overdrive 

It’s difficult to be patient 

Especially when the mind 

Is constantly thinking up ways in which 

Things could go wrong

They say things will get better 

But when will that happen 

Is what you want to ask them

When will things start to get better 

You’ve been through the wringer 

Now all you want is a moment to breathe

A moment of levity 

A moment away from the insanity

That you find yourself in 

A moment to untangle the knots

You knotted yourself in

They say stay positive 

And manifest good things 

But how do you stay positive 

When your mind is constantly negative

How do you manifest good things

When your mind is always thinking

About the worst things that could happen 

They say have hope

But how much hope do you have 

Before you finally breakdown and give up

In the end, despite what your mind might think 

And how you act and believe

You’ve got to keep the faith and keep moving

You can never give up 

You keep hoping and moving on 

Cause eventually everything will be alright!

An evening with the Phantom of the Opera

I’ll admit, though I’ve always known about Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera, thanks to a really bad Joel Schumacher musical and the countless mention on various shows, the best being Modern Family, when Cam stages it in Luke’s and Mannys school with Luke eventually playing the part of the phantom (ok that was quite a big digression of thought), I’ve never truly seen the musical though I do know some of the musical numbers. So when it was announced that show was coming to Mumbai, I was excited but not that excited to want to go and watch it like I was in case of The Sound of Music and Mamma Mia. However, somehow, on a whim, I found myself going for it, as a way of indulging myself (thanks to the events of the day and how life had been lately) and thanks to the recommendations of friends.

(Damn… that was quite a long route I’ve taken to get to the point… and I’ve been told that brevity is not my forte)

And at the end of the evening (ok make that night) I was glad that I did cause the show was AMAZING. Well not as amazing as Mamma Mia, which is my gold standard of the most entertained and fun I’ve had watching musicals here in Mumbai (whether you agree with me or not). As always I went by myself (cue Celine Dion’s All by myself) as I have always down when going out on a whim. 

Watching the show was an absolute joyful experience that successfully managed to wash away any of the weird taste that was felt by the god awful movie based on it.

The costumes were exquisite, the set pieces were neat, at least from what I could see from my seat, which doesn’t say much of the seat I managed to get. But how I wished I could actually get to clearly take in the setting when the Phantom takes Christine to his liar for the first time. From what I could see I could see it was one ethereal scene with the illusion of floating lights and candelabras.

The singing was amazing, that’s if you like songs sung operatically. I found myself getting goose pimples everything a performer hit those high notes or sang an aria. Though I hadn’t heard many of the musical numbers, I couldn’t stop myself humming along to them. And then you had the songs like The Phantom of the Opera, Angel of Music and All I Ask of You that had my heart from the first note (last being the one I fell in love with thanks to the duet sung by Josh Groban and Kelly Clarkson). 

However, I really wished the acoustic of the theatre was better cause at times you couldn’t understand what the performers were singing. So you had to pay attention as most of the dialogues were sung.

The background score was brilliant, thanks to the amazing orchestra, adding so much to the  musical creating the tension, the romance, the ominity, the mood. 

The choreography was magnificent. I think this was the first time I saw a ballet so up close and personal and it was not on a dance reality show. It was so gracefully and beautifully and elegantly and perfectly done. I simply loved the choreography for the song Masquerade, with the costumes adding to the awesomeness of the scene.

All in all it was indeed a well spent evening at the opera, I meant at the NMACC. The only other gripe I had (other than the acoustics) was somehow I failed to link the first scene with the last scene and how the paper machete monkey connected the two scenes.

But that said it was an indeed another one for the memory of an evening well spent with the Phantom of the Opera!!!

The crazy sh@#$ you do … like running an Ultra

So often you wonder why do you do the CRAZY SHIT you do like running a 50k, even singing up for a marathon when very often you promise yourself you would never do it again, and yet somehow you find yourself doing the same thing again.

This is the question that you ask yourself when you are all racked with cramps, despite you doing all that you had planned, despite executing a plan you had already successfully executed, despite all the hours and hours of training you have put in and the miles you’ve covered. 

It’s the question you ask yourself when your feet are screaming at you “why oh why do you put us through this torture; what have we done to you; how have we offended; answer me!” 

As blasphemous as it may sound, these are thoughts keep running through your mind when you are running all by yourself, in the dead of the night, with only your little headlamp to light your way ahead. Your friends have gone ahead, and you have fallen behind. You’re like the sheep that strayed away from the flock all lonely and alone (even where there are others around you).

You’ve given up on playing catch up as your Achilles tendon has flared up forcing you  to reevaluate and slow down.

You try to pick the pace but somehow your body doesn’t respond so you just slow jog and run steadily trying to convince yourself that time isn’t of the essence, completing 50k is. But at the back of your head you’re feeling a bit dejected and low knowing that you can’t do more. Knowing your friends will be completing much ahead of you doesn’t make things better in your head.

So you continue on your way a bit dejected and all alone questioning your life choices and situations you put yourself in, like running this marathon. But through it all you vow to never give up cause you didn’t come this far, both literally and figuratively, to just to give up.

So you trudge along, walking up slopes, steadily running on downhills and rolling parts, taking water and oranges and salt from water stations, if they had any, hoping to escape any signs of cramps which have not made an appearance. 

Another thing that you are happy about is that sleep hasn’t made its presence felt, something you feared after you got separated for flock.

All through the first part of your run you can’t wait for the u-turn to come. And when you run beyond the 25th km and there’s no u-turn in sight  you get anxious and flustered. You get even more annoyed when you realise the turn is beyond the 28th km.

In the second part you want to cover as much as possible before the sun comes up. But then you realise you’ll get the chance to flaunt your glares and run style.

With this thought you continue on, walking and running when you can, trying to calm your overthinking mind with a smile, telling yourself you’ve got this.

By and by you make your way back, down slopes you had climbed. You get a flustered to realise that many of the water stations have run out of water but at the same time you’re glad that you had a presence of mind of carrying an extra bottle or two in your water sack based on what you had previously experienced.

As you finally approach that finish line you give that one final push. You still can’t pick your pace that much but you continue to push through trying to give it the best that you can. 

You pump the air and raise your hand in elation as you finally cross that finish line. You are happy that you completed what you set out to do but somehow you can’t shake off this feeling of disappointment knowing that you could have done better.

And in this all you promise yourself to that you’ll comeback stronger and better prepared and rested, and know that no matter how many times you said you wouldn’t do this thing again you’ll be back with a vengeance cause after all this is indeed the crazy shit you do!

Just an ordinary boy…

I’m just an ordinary boy!

Sometimes I’m sad and sometimes happy 

But always a bit crazy

I get anxious and low

Often overlooked and ignored

Don’t turn heads and get swiped left

Often get lost in my own head 

I don’t drink or like to party 

Often leaving places early 

I love to dance and to sing 

And running is my thing 

But I’d rather run than attend social 

All makes me a little boring 

I’ll smile and be ignored 

I’ll talk till you get bored 

And then find myself ghosted and on my own 

I get scared and weary

But you know I’m not lazy

I fall down and breakdown 

Bruised and battered all around 

I’m broken and I’m screwed 

I know that I’m not your ideal dude 

I get broken and get hurt

Often wanting to just give up

But I know I’ll battle on

There’s no throwing myself down 

And when I fall I know I’ll get up

Dust myself and move on

I may cry and feel sad

But I don’t want you to feel bad

I’m just caring and I’m friendly

Loving and kind hearted daily

But still find my myself alone and lonely 

Still searching for someone to be crazy

But as always I won’t loose hope 

For love and all things I adore 

I know lll get by

Cause I know that anything can happen in this world 

For an ordinary boy

Like ME!!!!

The Despair Syndrome

Setbacks are never easy to bounce back no matter what others say. They erode a part of you leaving you with self-doubt and tons of questions and emotional turmoil.

When something happens you keep asking yourself “why me?” “Why did this have to happen to me?” and so many questions that fill your head  threatening to drown you, threatening to suffocate you!

They say you’ll bounce back and higher but first how do you get over this heaviness in your chest, this anxious feeling that’s weighing you down. How do you get over this fear that clouds your mind, that threatens to push you down a bottomless black hole. How do you stop your brains from overthinking the worst case scenarios.

Setbacks leave you with self-doubts often questioning your ability and capability. Often questioning who you truly are and is this for you. Often eroding your confidence in self.

Failure can be a bitch, a tough teacher leaving with you with this bitter taste and hopeless feeling. Often leaving you embarrassed and frustrated and disappointed with yourself. You find yourself questioning your ability, your inability, ending in this feeling of an impostor syndrome, making you feel like a fake, unworthy, a loser!

There’s a lesson to be learned but somehow you feel so hopeless, drowning in your own sorrow that you find it difficult to even learn the lesson that you have been taught. You are unable to see the lesson in it all. And somehow you are unable to learn the lesson you are meant to learn.

You’ll bounce back, they say, but when and how, is the question you ask yourself, a question you want to ask them, cause you are feeling so hopeless and low and you are unable to perceive an end in sight , apart of putting an end to it all.

You want to scream and shout and cry and let it all out, but you are unable to do so, cause you programmed yourself to appear strong and clam. But internally you are crumbling, you are melting, you are sinking in a quagmire of despair.

Though there are others around you, others rallying for you, you find yourself alone. You find yourself internalising your feeling unable to give it a vent, thus filling you with despair and pain, threatening to burst out and consume you in its flames.

But through this despair you try to find hope, hope that you can hold on to, hope you can cling on to. You try to find that hope that will keep you going and will get you through it all.

You know you can never give up, you will never give up, you will  continue to soldier on, keeping the faith , hoping for a better new day.

You know that giving up is never an option and the only time you will is when you’re dead. 

So you continue to soldier on, to fight through cause you know that as long as you have hope you’ll continue to fight through it all, it will keep you going on. You continue to hold your head up high and move on knowing you somehow, somewhere you’ll find you’ll find your way through!