The Mystery of the Missing Pavements

A muggy post-rains evening, you are making your way through traffic. The muggy weather, the conditions of the roads and metro work has screwed up the traffic have got you all flustered. 

So you zig-zag pass countless vehicles, as two-wheeler can only do, to move ahead. All of a sudden your path is blocked by a lady walking slowly. Clearly she's jay walking, so you gently honk your horn trying to get her to give you way. She turns and gives you the look as if you have committed a cardinal sin and are totally wrong. You try in vain to get her to move and helplessly listen to her lecture. Your hapless self try to explain that you are on the road and she is in the wrong by jay walking on the road. You try to indicate that there's a place for her to walk. But then you notice that's something is amiss, something is not there. And low and behold its the pavements that's missing.

So like an unsolved mystery you wonder, where have all the pavements gone? And then you have Paula Cole's Where have all the Cowboys gone, buzzing in your head, followed by Adele's Chasing Pavement. 

Surely this is a mystery that needs to be solved. Where's Sherlock when you need him? Even ACP Pradhyuman or Daya or Fredrick would do. So you have the mystery of the missing pavement on your hand, life is now going to get interesting.

As you dwell deeper into the mire you realise that the pavements haven't gone anywhere, just we humans have gone everywhere. The poor pavements have become more multipurpose than they were intended for.

So where you had walkers treading on them, you find open manholes and broken tiles. They have now become the dwelling place and outdoor relieving place for those who can't afford a place. At many places they become a workshops and bike repair, at some places they seem to have become a garbage disposal place and quite a few area, the road widening has lead to pavement shrinking.

In such a situation poor walkers have gone from ordinary to jay walkers, often risking life and limb, often in frustration as they clash with traffic trying to make heir way through the crowded roads.

So there you have it, the mystery of missing pavement is solved, laid bare for all to see. Now the question is what needs to be done to get them back. Something you and I would  not know what to do... or so I assume...

Rider's Guide to the roads of Mumbai: The Creatures you find on the Road

When you've been riding/driving for a long time, or at least as long as I have (which is not much), you tend to recognise certain breeds of creatures that prowl the roads of Mumbai. So based on encounters will try and describe these creatures to the best of my ability.

The Royals: No not the British ones, or the ones that Lorde sang about. These are the ones who drive their high-end cars and feel that they own the roads. They drive their Mercs, Beemers, Audis, Jags, and the odd Ferrari, and expect the roads to be good and they have the right of way. God forbid, you should cross their path, you bound to get the coldest stare.

Bade Carewale: These creatures drives big cars and SUVs like the Innova, Ertiga, Suma, Scorpio and their lot. They not only take up so much road, but chance you should get stuck behind one, you are bound to be there for a while, especially when they are turning. 

Rule Breakers: These two and four wheelers who believe that rules were not meant for them. You find them helmetless or their helmets perched on their fuel tanks or handles (as if those need to be protected). They are prone to breaking signals, often either speeding or sneaking across it. And when there's a jam you see them on the opposite side of the road, against the traffic. One more thing, you will often find them three on a bike meant for two.

The Speedsters: These are three wheelers and two wheelers who missed their true calling. They needed to be in the F1 or MotorGP circuit. They fancy themselves as the next Schumacher or Rossi. Speed is their way of life. When you travel them God is really happy, cause they take you closer to him with all the prayers you keep saying. Ensure that you insured and you have not eaten anything, what's in will not remain in for a long time. At the same time you need to be aware of them, their sharp turns and lane cuts will surely take you by surprise and panic.

The Horny: No these are not sex addicts, they just feel that the sound of their horn is more sweeter than any sound in this world. That's why you find them constantly honking their horn. Honking gives them orgasmic pleasure that nothing in this world can give them. They honk for no apparent reason, often causing the poor unsuspecting riders to have a total nervous breakdown and just give them way.

The Balancer: These are mostly two wheelers. You normally see them with more than just two people and that poor vehicles of theirs. Sometimes even balancing a whole family on it, which humanely is impossible and dangerous, but hey they still do that. You can actually feel the pain of the poor vehicles that bears the brunt of their weight.

The Pathfinders: No these are not explorers, but riders who's somehow find a way even in the dense traffic. They constantly weave in and out trying to find space for themselves; a little space is all they need. They are like the camel, you give them an inch, they'll take a yard. They even use the pavements to make their way.

The Latecomers: These are perpetually in a hurry, always speeding, always honking, always glaring. They expect the way to be clear but will never think of leaving for their destination on time or even early.

The Directionless: These creatures totally lack a sense of direction. Either they give the wrong directions or don't give directions at all and expect you to telepathically understand which direction they are going to take.

Lady Drivers: These fair creatures look beautiful behind the wheel, but then you've got to be aware about their driving skills. They have concentration on other things than the roads and lack proper sense of judgement. If you ever happen to be behind give her space. But hey know some really good lady drivers.

The Monsters: These are the Garbage trucks, the BEST bus drivers, the private buses, the trucks and the State Transport buses. These strike fear in the heart of even the best of drivers. Constantly speeding, rash driver. If you ever cross their path, just get out of the way.

The Nervous Drivers: These are the novice first time riders, or riders like me, who perpetually nervous. They lack confidence and are scared of everything on the road. They are easily distracted  and the slightest honk can scare them to death. Be careful around them cause they themselves need to be careful.

So there you have it, my guide to the creatures you find on the roads. Not truly exhaustive, you can always add on it cause a new breed is discovered every second. So if you know some just add to this guid.

Horn OK Please

Picture this, you are riding down the road on your two-wheeler, say an Activa, Scooty, or even moped (all these in my case). You're focus is all on the road ahead. Maybe you do not want to go into a pothole, or you want to keep a safe distance from the vehicle ahead (maybe it's a lady driver or an auto guy who thinks he's an F1 driver or one confused rider not sure where they want to go). Your focus is razor shape, you can even cut butter with it, when all of a sudden your focus is broken because of an incessant honking coming from behind you. You turn around to notice that it is from a driver who wants to get ahead of you and wants you to move out of his, or even her, way. 

How often have you been either at the receiving end or the perpetrator of a mindless horn blowing. We are indeed a horn happy generation who loves to blow our horn for no apparent reasons. Not caring where we are or what we are doing.

The horn honkers always seem to be in a perpetual hurry to get to their destination. Makes you wonder why the hell did they not leave early, or on time, in the first place. They feel that the road is theirs to ride on and you are trespassing by riding on their side of the road. They will continue to honk till you give up in frustration and give way. Even then they will give you the stink eye, or with daggers in their eyes, as if you have committed a mortal sin against them.

Sometimes I have even tried to rationalise the reason for this habit. Maybe they want to help riders like me, who have a dangerous habit of dozing off, to stay awake. Honking helps to bring us back from a slumber. Or maybe they just want to frighten the jay walkers, who have strayed too far to the middle of the roada all lost in their music or texting or just plain chatting on their phone.

Whatever the logic for their honking may be, it seems like they fallen in love with their sound of their horn, and they don't want to keep this love to themselves but want to share it with the world; after all sharing is caring, even if it is frightening. With sharing this sound with the world, the world become a honky tonk place with the musicality of the horns. We are indeed a horn happy people.