A Self Reflection

As I got dressed for my last long run for the year, I caught my reflection in the window, and what I saw brought a smile to my face. I have always had issues with my body image and how I looked, and no matter how much people may say, I have always felt otherwise. But what I saw I did like, maybe it was just the window that hid my imperfections, after all it wasn’t a mirror, I may actually have a decent body. 

I’ve been a person who is full aware of my body, a bit too aware. And though some may say I look fit, I know my every bulge, every overflow, my fats, a bit too aware of my imperfections. I have always struggled with a positive body image, as much as I have struggled curtailing my love for food. I feel awkward if some one touches me on my stomach, or when I run or on the Activa, when I can feel my belly shake like a bowl full of jelly. And though I may say that I am perfect the way I am, I know that I am far from it cause when I see someone better built them I am I wish I was them, call me vain or superficial, but at one point in time I did want to give modeling a shot. And I know that no matter all that I do (as others have pointed out) I need to control my binging, my unwanted snacking, junk eating (the obvious thing) cause there lies the evil to all my situation.

That reflection also showed me the bitterness and loneliness I felt, that was eating me from the inside, things I really don’t want to feel, I don’t want to have control over my life, but for some reason I was giving importance. I hate the fact that career wise I ain’t going anywhere and that I am surrounded by morons and buttkissers and papads, workaholics expecting you to be like them, all in a company that’s as good as a baniya shop. But then people and their behaviour I may not be able to change, they are going to be the way that suits them best and

will continue to do what works for them. What I can change is my situation, myself, my outlook. I needn’t stoop so low, I am responsible for my actions. What I can do is take the positivity that my team gives me, that pushes me on.

My loneliness may often lead me to feel all alone, often by myself even in a crowded room, not having someone to call my own. Family and friends I may have been blessed abundantly, but what I also have is a confusion of my own making, of do I have or do I have not the one, what am I and where do I fit in the scheme of life, what am I and what’s the role that I play. Questions to which I don’t seem to know the answer, questions that seem to preoccupy my head and never letting go.

But going forward I know I have to let go, accept facts and move on, doing what’s best for me, never letting things and people bring me down. My body type I will accept, but I will strive not to be perfect but stay fit and healthy. Career wise I shall charter a way out of the frustration and negativity and the mire that sucks me in. Always striving to give my best. I shall not let my situation or anyone put me down, hold me down, Rising above hate, never letting bitterness cloud my mind, blind me. And this is my wish for the new year to come.