Of Sanskars and Religion

Someone once said, “Change is the only constant in life.” If you want to survive, you’ve got learn to change with time, or be left behind forever. And then there are some who just refuse to change, who don’t want to change, and don’t want others to change too. 

They believe that change hurts them and is against their beliefs, their religions, their sansakars. This actually makes you wonder which century are these people from? Have they been watching one too many saas-babu serials? What have they been smoking, which would again be against their sanskars, but you never know! But then they have their own motives for doing so.

As humans we are constantly evolving, constantly changing, constantly growing. As part of this evolution, this change, this growth, is the way we see ourselves, the way we perceive ourselves, the way we identify ourselves. Along with it so has our values and culture which have to change, evolve or risk becoming outdated and irrelevant. Even the concepts of family and marriage has changed, from joint families to a nuclear family, from marriage within your caste and religion to inter-caste, inter-faith marriages, to marriage between nationalities. So why shouldn’t the union partners of the same-sex not be accepted and recognised.

But that said we cannot and should not forget our values and culture. We just need it to evolve with time and stay relevant and inclusive. And with we should evolve too.

But then there are those who don’t want this change. Maybe they want to stay relevant? Maybe they don’t want to loose the grip or the control that they have? Maybe they have their own selfish motives to keep their powers? They may say that they are upholding their sansakars, defending their religion, but what they exactly are defending religion from, when there’s no one attacking their religion and religious beliefs and their sanskars. In fact what they are doing, and I do hope they realise that is they are causing more damage to not only their religion but also to humanity. 

They are doing their bit in destroying the very fabric of life. They are comfortable in welding their sanskars and religion to spread hate, and divide and pit one community with another (and here we blamed the Britishers for doing this but more than happy to use it for our own selfish power and political games).

They are more of a danger to their sanskars, their religion, to humanity as whole. Their hate and fear mongering, could be a sole reason why so many are turning away from religion, value and God. It could easily be the reason why we are a nation divided and persecuted, no matter how much we may want to deny this. It is the reason why so many feel ostracised, outcast, unloved , uncared, anxious and depress. It is the reason why so many are scared and destroyed.

No one wakes up in the middle night, or wakes up one day and decides to be gay. No one on a whim decide they are not comfortable in their own skin, they do not relate to the gender they have been assigned at birth. It’s not something unnatural or against nature, as we are led to believe. It’s something that’s always been there. Something that comes to surface slow and steadily. We don’t choose who we feel attracted to or who we fall for, it something that’s always going to be there and comes naturally. It’s been suppressed for fear of acceptance, of ostracism, living in a state of constant denial.

If we believe that GOD is LOVE and the one who lives in Love, lives in God and God lives in them, then how is this form of love any different from other form of love, apart of the fact that you love the person of the same gender. This feeling is that of love and not lust, so why should this love be treated differently, why should this love not be accepted, why should this love not be recognised, why should this love be denied equal rights.

Being gay isn’t one big drug-filled, hedonistic, sexual  orgy. Being gay is more than being flamboyant, being effimate, being sexual. Damn it more than than wanting to hit on anything walking on two legs with the same parts. Trust me you don’t need to be gay for that, as many female can attest for it.

When someone asks for the right for their union to be recognised, the right to be recognised and accepted, they not  trying make mockery of the institution, or trying to disrespect any religion or religious tradition. It is out of want of acceptance and respect for religion and religious custom do they want their union to be recognised, to be accepted for who they are and who they choose to love.In fact they are way more respectful than any heterosexual couple. What they want is not to be forced into marriage of convenience, into something what is acceptable to society which will end up destroying so many lives.

The ones who find their sansakar being hurt are in fact the ones doing the most damage  with their outdated the thinking, their refusal to accept change .

Being gay is not a mental illness. In fact there’s no evidence that members of the community cannot enjoy civil rights like marriage, adoption, etc. On the contrary discrimination may lead to mental health issues (as stated by the Indian Psychiatric Society).

So if we believe in equal right to all, then why do the members of the community not be afforded this equal right that we speak about in the constitution. Why do we discriminate and persecute and suppress to those who do no conform to society’s rules on love and gender?

The question we beg to ask is when would we be able live as equals, in harmony and peace irrespective of religion, gender, age, orientation? 

Though at the moment it maybe a distant dream, it’s a dream nonetheless, one that can be achieved if we keep persevering and not be defeated or brought down, cause in the end…

हम होंगे कामयाब एक दिन
हो हो मन में है विश्वास, पूरा है विश्वास
हम होंगे कामयाब एक दिन

Denied... but not Defeat.... हम होंगे कामयाब एक दिन

Last Thursday, the Central Government of India, in an affidavit filed in response to petition seeking to recognise same-sex marriages, stated that “Living together as partners and having sexual relationship by same-sex individuals is not comparable with the Indian family unit concept of a husband, a wife and children which necessarily presuppose a biological man as a ‘husband’, a biological woman as a ‘wife’ and the children born out of the union between the two,” [source: The Hindu].

This response, though  disheartening, comes as no surprise. And I wouldn’t be wrong if o said that this is an expected response, not just from the present government. There would be a similar response from any other government of the country. 

We live in a country that’s mostly conservative, that still holds on to its traditional values. Religion has always been a big factor of the country’s political landscape, and has been used as a pawn by all parties to further their agenda. And in such a conservative climate, no party would want to disturb the concept of marriage and family. Let’s face it, there’s hardly any representation from the LGBTQ community in governance, and the community doesn’t form a big part of any political party’s agenda, thus forever relegated to fringe of society. Hence their response comes as no surprise. In fact, this was a response that would have been expected.

This is a setback, but not a step back. The message maybe disappointing but there’s no hope lost in it. Though there may be a vast majority of those who are enraged and disheartened with this response, but this is not end. After all “कोशिश करने वालों की हार नहीं होती” [source: Harivansh Rai Bachan]. This setback can only be a step back if we refuse to learn from it.

If we look beyond gender, marriage is a coming together of two souls, a union between two consenting adults, who wish to enter, to commit to each other, till death do them apart. So if two consenting adults want to enter to a commitment, why should the gender of the two party matter? Why let age old archaic views dictate how we perceive the concept of marriage and family. A child from the union can always be through surrogacy and adoption, and not necessarily through consummation of the marriage. 

You may argue that gay men can’t stay committed to one partner. Many seek out multiple partners. This though true, but is not true just for gay men. This holds true for all the male species. Man by nature would always seek out multiple partners in order to spread its species. So how many straight men, in a committed relationship, have strayed from their commitment? Have managed to keep it all in their pants?

Marriage is a sacred commitment between two consenting adults. But this sanctity is lost when the two people being bound don’t really consent to the marriage. Rather they are coerced, even forced, into a bond they do not consent to, because of family and societal pressure. And  to add to it, the government also wants to be part of dictating who one should marry. So in the end the marriage is not out of consent but due to pressure leading to broken people, loveless relationships. broken homes , broken marriages, broken families, infidelity, and even divorces.

A LGBTQ youth seeks acceptance, normalcy, a way out of the confusion that engulfs them. They want someone to hear them out, accept them for who they are, and not  treat them as a freak of nature, an abnormality, someone shunned and made fun of, ostracised to the fringe of society. 

Legalising same-sex marriage is a symbol of acceptance, a step towards normalcy, a step toward being treated like everyone, an opportunity for one to choose who they love and who they want to be with. If they want to bind themselves for the rest of their lives, who are we to oppose to what love has brought together no man can put asunder.

In an ever changing world, where the concept of love, relationship and marriage have changed and adapted with time, holding on to age old notions and traditions will only have us steps behind time.

Disdain and anger is not the right way to react to this response. All is not lost. The only way thing will change if we continue to strive to educate people, to change their mindset and clear the misconception that block their mind. This ain’t going to be easy, and May event take a lot of time and energy. There maybe times when these effort may not bear fruits that they should, not give the results that’s expected, but continuous perseverance will certainly bring about a change, a change in mindset, a broader perception of tradition, and most importantly an acceptance. So we can’t give up, we can never give up. It is only through educating people, making our voices heard, taking active part in governance, will we be able to effect the change we want to see in the world. 

So through all the setbacks one can learn and come back. So denial of a right to marriage maybe a setback but it isn’t defeat. We can never give up till the fat lady sings, it’s never over until we say it’s over. 

हम qहोंगे कामयाब, हम होंगे कामयाब 

हम होंगे कामयाब एक दिन 

हो हो मन में है विश्वास 

पूरा है विश्वास 

हम होंगे कामयाब एक दिन

The Acceptance Conundrum

“Acceptance”... on the face it... may seem like such a simple and ordinary word... but is a word that carry so much weightage. It’s something that we all crave for, something that we all want, but that’s difficult to come by. To love someone is to accept them for who they are, their flaws and their imperfections, their shortcomings, accepting them completely, loving the good and the not so good things about them.

But acceptance is such a difficult pill to swallow, something so difficult to do. So many struggle to find it, leaving them broken and damaged and fragile. Society doesn’t accept you when you fail to conform to societal norms. So you find yourself living at the fringe of society, an outcast, treated like a pariah, all because who we are is not what they want us to be, we don’t fit into their predefined conditions, we don’t follow their rules. So they box us and label us, treat us differently, call us names. And strangely, the boxes we find ourselves in, don’t really accept us if we don’t fit in their norms. So that leaves us hanging in limbo, in the twilight zone.

Parents find it difficult when their children don’t turn out to be what they want them to be, when their offspring chooses to walk down a different road and not the one they set for them. Often getting distraught, bordering the dramatic, wondering what wrong did they do, what sin did they commit to find themselves in such a predicament, effectively emotionally blackmailing their way, beating their children into submission, and in the end having it their way. Never realising they are a cause of many broken humans, many a broken homes, many a failed marriages, all because they thought they knew what’s best. Why can’t they act as guides, helping their children find their own way, pave their own path, be there to support them, to pick them when they fall, nudge them gently down the right path (and not pushing them down the path they perceive as right). Acceptance may not be an easy thing to do but then there’s always bonus points for making an effort.

But in the end, whether it’s society, or our parents, or even friends and the ones we love, the main culprit is us, the entire acceptance conundrum originates from us. So often we find it difficult to accept ourselves for who we are, hiding behind masks, a false pretence, letting others dictate our lives and who we become. We search for a normal never truly realising that we are normal, we have the strength and capability to work towards it. We shackle ourselves to an idea or normalcy, and hope for it, but then what is normal anyway in a world that’s so abnormally normal. We struggle to accept our needs, our wants, our desires, often being ashamed of our feelings, guilty of desires, taking us down a spiral of low self-esteem. We struggle to accept ourselves for who we are, who we are meant to be, what we feel, often leading to low self-esteem, a need to be accepted according to someone else’s norms. Often leading us to banish ourselves to the fringe of society, an outcast, but no rebel.

So in the end it all boils down to a self-acceptance, learning to accept ourselves for who we are. Learning to accept yourself is the first and the most important step, cause then the acceptance of anyone else wouldn’t really matter. Cause when you accept yourself, you learn to love yourself, and it’s only when you love yourself would you be able to love anyone else. 

A Self Reflection

As I got dressed for my last long run for the year, I caught my reflection in the window, and what I saw brought a smile to my face. I have always had issues with my body image and how I looked, and no matter how much people may say, I have always felt otherwise. But what I saw I did like, maybe it was just the window that hid my imperfections, after all it wasn’t a mirror, I may actually have a decent body. 

I’ve been a person who is full aware of my body, a bit too aware. And though some may say I look fit, I know my every bulge, every overflow, my fats, a bit too aware of my imperfections. I have always struggled with a positive body image, as much as I have struggled curtailing my love for food. I feel awkward if some one touches me on my stomach, or when I run or on the Activa, when I can feel my belly shake like a bowl full of jelly. And though I may say that I am perfect the way I am, I know that I am far from it cause when I see someone better built them I am I wish I was them, call me vain or superficial, but at one point in time I did want to give modeling a shot. And I know that no matter all that I do (as others have pointed out) I need to control my binging, my unwanted snacking, junk eating (the obvious thing) cause there lies the evil to all my situation.

That reflection also showed me the bitterness and loneliness I felt, that was eating me from the inside, things I really don’t want to feel, I don’t want to have control over my life, but for some reason I was giving importance. I hate the fact that career wise I ain’t going anywhere and that I am surrounded by morons and buttkissers and papads, workaholics expecting you to be like them, all in a company that’s as good as a baniya shop. But then people and their behaviour I may not be able to change, they are going to be the way that suits them best and

will continue to do what works for them. What I can change is my situation, myself, my outlook. I needn’t stoop so low, I am responsible for my actions. What I can do is take the positivity that my team gives me, that pushes me on.

My loneliness may often lead me to feel all alone, often by myself even in a crowded room, not having someone to call my own. Family and friends I may have been blessed abundantly, but what I also have is a confusion of my own making, of do I have or do I have not the one, what am I and where do I fit in the scheme of life, what am I and what’s the role that I play. Questions to which I don’t seem to know the answer, questions that seem to preoccupy my head and never letting go.

But going forward I know I have to let go, accept facts and move on, doing what’s best for me, never letting things and people bring me down. My body type I will accept, but I will strive not to be perfect but stay fit and healthy. Career wise I shall charter a way out of the frustration and negativity and the mire that sucks me in. Always striving to give my best. I shall not let my situation or anyone put me down, hold me down, Rising above hate, never letting bitterness cloud my mind, blind me. And this is my wish for the new year to come.

An Acceptance

As she rose to the mike, at the front of the altar, she could feel the butterflies in her stomach. As the choir formed behind her, she turned to face the congregation. She could see them staring at her, their eyes burning into her skin, piercing her soul. She knew that there were those out there who would love to see her fail, but many more who willed her to succeed. She had worked so hard for this, fought for it, to be accepted. But now that it was here she could feel her nerves getting the better of her, fear in the pits of her being, a cold chill running down her spine. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She remembered a time when all this was different.

She was not always female and in fact was born male, a label she wasn’t too comfortable. She always knew she woman, but in a man’s body. After two boys, her mother wished for a girl, only to have another boy. She wasn’t disappointed but in a very masculine household she wished for a feminine company. Maybe this was the reason why she was more girl than boy.

As a child she used to wear her mother’s pearls and make up and used to parade in the house and entertain guest with her singing. At first this was all amusing, all funny, all very entertaining. But when it got to be an habit it turned into bit of annoyance to her father. He scolded her for not being like the other boys and constantly reprimanded his wife for being too protective and encouraging of their son.

At school she was the butt of every joke, not very well accepted. Her effeminacy was ridiculed and made fun off. She was often at the receiving end of their bullying. Her brothers stood up for her, often getting in scraps with other boys, but there were times when even they couldn’t understand her, couldn’t take her behaviour.

Finally her father decided to pack her off to a boarding school so that they could make a man out of her, away from the influence and protection of her mother. Life at the boarding was another nightmare. In a building filled with testosterone she stood out like a sore thumb. Once again she found herself being bullied, being harassed mentally, physically and sexually. There were other effeminate boys but they too fell in line with the straight boys.

Once while showering at night , she was accosted by her tormenters. They tried to force her  to perform oral acts on them and when she refused they nearly raped her. When she begged and pleaded and cried they finally let her go. Not before kicking her and beating her, especially in her privates saying that she had no use for them and threatened that if she ever opened her mouth to anyone she would face a worse faith.

This was the final straw, she couldn’t take any longer. But she didn’t know who turn to? Who could help her? Who would believe her? She did the only thing she thought was right and ran away from there. Her father flew into fit of rage when he saw his son standing at the door. If it wasn’t for his mother he would have physically harmed him. That night his parent got into a huge argument. She could hear them no matter how much she tried to drown them out. She decided to put an end to it all. If it weren’t for her mother’s timely intervention, she would have been six feet under. And when she saw all the bruises and marks on her body, she swore to stand by her son, no matter what, even if it meant crossing sword with her hubby, with society, with the world at large.

From that day onwards she became her biggest supporter, her advocate, the one who stood by her, the one who fought for her. She wouldn’t spare anyone. Even though she was deeply religious, she accepted her son for who he was and who he wanted to be. She gave the local parish priest, who spoke to her about her son, a piece of her mind, or for that matter anyone who spoke ill of her son. Knowing how maternal and protective that she was of her youngest, her father didn’t dare to rub her the wrong way. He made his peace, even slowly beginning to accept his son the way he was. People spoke, made fun, cooked up stories, it just rolled off her back. If she would have to go against the world for her child, she would. She would even give up going to church if it weren’t for her staunch faith. She always told her children, especially her youngest that Jesus loves you all no matter who she chose to be and how she chose to live. It was this faith that stayed with her and kept her going and believing in god and Christ, no matter what people or even the priest and other religious said.

When she went to college she happened to come across the choir, a bunch of kid from all walks of life, all strata of society who came together to sing. They were in their own way an outcast to social  but they held their own. She found her voice here, the thing she would love to do. They accepted her for she was without any prejudice and it was with them she came into her own. Together with their melodious voice they grew in popularity and fame.

As the years went by people became more accepting of who she was and what she represented. There were still those religious bigots who passed judgement on her. The parish priest changed and 

 in his place came a more open, tolerant and accepting and wiser priest. He had heard her and her choir before and encouraged her to come more often to church, much to the delight of her mum. He finally invited to sing for the Christmas midnight mass. And it was here where she found herself.

As she opened her eyes, she saw her mum wearing the biggest smile, her chest swelling with pride for child. She saw her father and brother and their families, who were smiling and waiting for her to sing. There was anticipation in the air. She drew in a deep breath and began to sing Oh Holy Night, starting slowly and then building a crescendo, soaring on every note, with the choir behind her giving her able support. When she belted that final

Note there wasn’t a dry eye in the church. The whole congregation rose to their feet and greeted her with a rapturous applause. She couldn’t help up but tear up, and in that moment she whispered “Praise you Jesus, thank you Jesus!” Like her mother taught her.

Let me be ME

To a society that forces me to conform

To what it deems normal, to it’s norms

I ask what is normal?

My normal may not be it’s normal

So does that makes me abnormal?

If I could dare to question it

I could dare to challenge these norms

Cause what may be normal to me

May not be normal to you 

So why don’t you let me be me

In a society that bullies you 

That tries to beat you into submission 

Just so that you follow its set rule

That refuses to accept

That refuses to tolerate

Why don’t you see me

For who I am 

Rather than what I am

Why don’t you let me be me

In a society filled with social butterflies

Where everything is pout and click

Smile and click, post for all to see 

To garner likes and a following

It is truly brave to give a glimpse 

Of who you truly are, the real you

Not the one you see in those post

The one you keep hidden away 

Cause you’re afraid to be truly seen

Not what you want society to see

Why can’t I be me

Why don’t you let me be

What are you truly afraid of

If I may ask myself

It takes guts to be yourself

So why can’t I be myself

I may be broken, I may be imperfect

But I am imperfectly perfect

I am unique, I am different 

This is who I am

This is what makes me standout from the rest

It takes a lot to show me 

I takes a lot to know me

So why don’t you let me be me

You try to break me with your words

You may try to cut me with your knives

Try to bring me down, try to destroy me

Try to wound me, and leave me to bleed

No matter what you may try

You will never break me

Though my body may breakdown

My spirit soars high

So whether you accept me or not

I may not conform to your norms

Cause I will always be me

Cause it take a lot to be me