The Cancer Warriors

So often we read about celebrities, politicians, sports personalities, who have fought cancer and succeeded, being termed as warriors. But the question that begs to be answered is can we confer the title of Cancer Warriors on them? Considering that most choose to go abroad for their treatment, makes you wonder how little a faith they had in the Indian medical system, and let’s face it they have money to burn. 

It’s not that their struggle is smaller or greater. At the end of the day, Cancer is a great leveller, it doesn’t discriminate. It affects people irrespective of their social status, religion, class or nationality. In short, it treats everyone alike, no matter who, what and where. It’s just some have greater access to resources than the other.

Being diagnosed with Cancer is like a death sentence in itself. So often the patient dies not really from the cancer but from the burden of the treatment and then from the treatment itself. Very often fear of life with cancer is what drives one closer to the grave. Being told that you have cancer effectively brings your life to a standstill, brings your world crashing down around you. And this isn’t just for the patient but also for their relatives and friends. The first question is of survival, the next is of the stage and finally comes the cost. And it’s here where many a hope comes crashing down.

Cancer treatment doesn’t come cheap and it easily accessible. The fear of the financial burden that the treatment will incur is what causes more pain than the pain of the treatment itself. This very often where hope gets crushed. And the treatment is not easy and takes a toll mentally and physically on all involved, the patient included.

But no matter what there’s always a will to live, a will to survive, a will to make it through within their means and ability. This will to live, this Hope is what sustains families, is what pulls them through, is what keeps them going. You can glimpse this will, this hope in their eyes as they wait there in line for hours and hours for their treatment. They bear the pain of the chemo coursing through their veins with the hope that somehow it’s controlling the cancerous cells, if not killing it. You can see them wince in pain, but you still see that hope burning in them. Their family standing by them, consoling them, staring blankly at that bottle as drop by drop the chemo flows, and with each drop there’s a hope of a miracle, of survival. Every drop carrying a silent prayer with it. And though the medicine may cause the patient to whither, there’s a hope always burning bright.

You see them with their face masks and their head in a scarf, to hide their baldness from the treatment, with their family, relatives, friends by their side, sitting on benches, lying on pavements. You can see the pain and sorrow in their eyes, but can also see the hope in their heart. Their plight moves you, brings you tears, makes you fight that lump in your throat, causing you turn your face cause you can’t take it. But then you will yourself to face life, to face it, to do what you can do. You’ve faced it, you know the pain, the suffering, the sorrow, toll that it takes. 

You empathise with them. You feel for them. You pray they never loose hope, through all the pain and suffering, cause you know when the hope is gone, so is the will to live. And that’s something you don’t want or hope for anyone, and so you pray that they have hope and strength that will never end. 

Through it all they keep fighting, fighting for their life, fighting for survival, fighting through the pain, fighting for the ones they love, never giving up hope, never giving up the fight, fighting the good fight, like a true warrior, a true cancer warrior. For me they are true champions, true Cancer Warriors.

Trailing the Trail

Should I, shouldn’t I? Will I, won’t I? Could I, couldn’t I? So many questions that bog your mind when you have to run a race which has been postponed, which is out of Mumbai (for all practical purposes Kalyan shall be considered out of Mumbai). Then you have to return to attend your dance classes, not to forget you will be wearing yourself thin, fatiguing yourself. But hey the thrill of trying something that’s so not you, the pull to do something beyond yourself is always greater. So there you had, you were going to go trail running, yipeee!!!

The day didn’t start quite right (it would be wrong to coin it as a wrong note) with me having had to retrace my steps home having forgotten the bibs at home, call it as being on the side of 40s when the grey matter doesn’t really matter and you can easily blame it on the depleting lack of it.

You’ve heard trails are tough, you can’t go as fast on trails as you would on the road. But no matter what you think you can expect from a trail, it will find a way to shock you, to challenge you, push you way beyond yourself. Many a runners have found themselves humbled in front of the mighty trail (confession of a first time trail runner).

So there were patches where you had to run/jog/walk in a single file, patches where you were forced to walk, especially up inclines, there were no two ways about it. You would have to tread with caution, else a fear of landing awkwardly, or slipping and injuring yourself, and I did slip a couple of times, almost landing on my butt but steadying myself just in time. So in the end you had to run cautiously, throwing caution to the wind and running, could prove injurious to you. And the heat and absence of rain, and the late morning start did no favours to the runners.

No matter how tough a trail can be, it also takes you through routes that simply takes your breath away, in all the literal sense. There are moments where you wished you could just stop racing and take in the surrounding, nature and all that lay in front of you. The vast expanses of greenness, the smell of grass, left with you feeling of elation, so in a way you can say you were high on grass. You ran pass paddy fields, by ponds, through little brooks and streams, up inclines and down declines, each revealing a beauty at every turn. You ran looking out for red ribbons, making you feel like Dorothy running down the yellow brick road, and guess what, my shoes were ruby red, or you could be Hansel and Gretel following the breadcrumbs home. You ran through grass, with grass brushing against your ankles, tall grass hiding you, providing you shade, along with the trees, making the climate cool even if it was for just brief moments.

Even though there were moments you struggled, ok a lot of moments where you struggled, where you questioned the whole purpose of this endeavour, and you seen some really good runners struggle, in the end it was the human spirit that triumphed. From the wonderful volunteers who so selflessly stood in the sun, directing the runners, supporting them, cheering them on. Then you had your friends and fellow runners who ensured you were ok, who cheered and pushed you and motivated you and helped you get over that finish line.

There are medals and then there are medals that need to be earned, and today’s medal was just that. It was the fruit of labouring in the trail, making it worth it. I believe that every aspect of running needs to be experienced, and today was just that. Learned an important aspect of respecting the mighty trail. And in the end though the body may have complained, the soul felt satisfied to Trail the Trail!

Have a little HOPE

HOPE...

You may be merely four letters long

But don’t let your length fool you

Cause you’re way more strong

You give us strength

When everyone’s gone

To find the strength to carry on!

With you we can always HOPE 

For a better tomorrow 

A brighter future 

A brand new morn

A new start

A new beginning 

For good news over all that’s bad

For good health and peace

For prosperity and success

And above all LOVE

You keep the fire burning within us

Never letting it subside, or whittle away

You are that ray of positivity 

When the darkness of despair

Threatens to consume us

You are that sail that catches the wind

That keeps us moving on

That rudder that guides us

On our way to where we belong

You never let us give up

You never let us give in

You don’t let us loose that passion

That’s there within

With you we are never lost

With you we shall always find our way

Like a flashlight on a dark night

Or a lighthouse at sea

You shall always help us

find your way home

When you’re lost

We loose the meaning of life

All things seem bleak

Like the darkness of night

Without you we find ourselves drowning 

In sorrow and despair

Giving up on ourselves 

And for our lives, we don’t care

For this, and for many reasons

We need you forever by our side

Cause each life is important 

And there’s no reason to loose it

So we can always hope 

And find our way out

Cause in the end 

It’s the HOPE that keeps us going on

That keeps us strong

So have little HOPE 

Surely things will get better!

Down the Old Familiar Road

As you run down the road there’s something familiar about it! Maybe it’s because you’ve run this route two years ago and you’re adding this line for dramatic effect! Bada nautanki sala!

So warm up done, off you run, as the rain pours down on you, keeping you and your fellow runners cool. Your run at a steady comfortable pace, passing runners, being passed by runners, doing your best to enjoy every single moment of your run.

So you continue with you four companions, Maya, running cautiously trying to avoid spraining her ankle on a pothole, Rohan dodging every pothole like it was a dodgeball coming his way, and you like the child that has been let loose, on a sugar rush, splashing away to glory, in every puddle you found yourself, after all that’s what they are meant for, and cause you’ll never grow up. And the fourth companion was the rain that just refused to let us be but grateful were we by its very cooling presence.

So we chatted from start to end, chitting and chatting about every topic you could think of, about race and recovery, the ones we have done, the ones we will do, the ones on our bucket list, the things we do to recover. Even the mundane details seemed interesting and turned miles to smiles. No inclines felt troublesome, in fact felt more fun. We even chatted about platelets donation, a thing that both Maya and I are passionate about, and how we came about learning about it. So we chatted up inclines and down declines, passing runners, running by the sea, running by people in their Sunday best, heading to church, looking at us in bewilderment and amazement, probably wondering who were these strangely dressed people running in the pouring rains.

So we trudged up inclines, walking where we needed to, passing paddy fields and salt pans, and on roads that ran through quaint villages, at all times admiring what nature laid in front of us to admire, leaving us in awe and admiration at the sprawling sea, dotted with it fishing boats. We did what every runner do, posed and pouted, ok we didn’t pout, but sure did click pics. 

The volunteers, all cheery and encouraging stood there for us in the pouring rain, directing us, offering hydration, water, fast and up, bananas and dates with rock salt, and this candy that proved to be the biggest saviour of them all. They were smiling, they were helpful, indeed an angel of this tough terrain. It actually felt good to be on the other side, for a change not worrying about coordinating amongst the volunteers.

So finally we made our to the beach, with a bit of David Hasselhoff taking over me. Since I was already soaking to the bone, took off my tee and ran bare chested. Call it the bay watch effect, but when you’re near the sea isn’t that what you normally did. Well I don’t have a physique to write home about, nor am I exhibitionist (somewhere I can imagine my friend rolling his eye on his statement) but just felt like doing it.

So the beach was the culmination of the run, time to cool down (as if the rain wasn’t already doing that) enjoy some lovely hot breakfast of poha and Upma (that got soggy in the rain) and some lovely garma garam chai (the best thing you could have on a rainy day), and you didn’t even mind that the rain was pouring into your chai.

So after you thanked the organisers, the awesome MBR team for being a gracious host and organising a near flawless run on an awesome route, thanking the volunteers for their support, without whom the run would not be possible. So you posed for pictures (thanks to your iPhone being water resistant and all the wonderful photographers around) and then it was off to complete your journey back home, which felt long and arduous even though the route was relatively flat and the rain continued to pour, never leaving your side. But the lack of company made the run rough.

So in the end it was a Sunday morning  well spent, running down a tough but scenic route, ably supported and coordinated.

Me Pan Mumbaikar

Hey you! Don’t be afraid! I am not going to harm you, even though you’re in my territory! I mean no harm to you, though I am not sure you mean the same towards me?

Do you realise your trespassing on my territory, destroying my home, cutting off my food supply, and you expect me not to react? And when I do react it’s called animal attack! But then aren’t you doing the same to me?

I heard that you plan to cut down trees and plan to plant new ones on allocated land. But here lies the problem, you’ll cut down trees that are hundreds of year old  only to plant saplings. Trees that have been alive way before your time, will be felled to make way for your greed (cause let’s face it that’s your ulterior motive), and knowing how you are I don’t think those saplings too will survive for long! I’ve seen posters featuring the CM and the PM  who are planning to plant 30 crore or so trees. Isn’t it ironic that the same people who sanction the felling of trees, or do nothing to prevent it promise the planting of more trees.

I heard they want to chop trees to build a metro shed, a parking a lot, a zoo. All this at the cost of the environment. And isn’t it ironic that you want to take away my freedom, putting me in cages and enclosures, and charge people just to see us in captivity at the cost of our freedom.

You have the Fit India Movement, but how can a nation be fit if the air you breathe is constantly deteriorating? With all these wanton feeling of trees, to satiate your greed, it will surely take you the Delhi way. Then how can you have a fit India if the very air you breathe is bad? So you looking at progress bit progress at what cost? The cost of your health, the cost of the environment? Very soon the only trees you’ll be able to see would be in a tree museum, the only leopards and panthers you’ll be able to see is of the stuffed kind, if we don’t survive captivity.

You have celebs and politicians talking about plastic bans and saving the rivers, how about doing something to Save Aarey, saving the flora and fauna that would be lost forever, saving the tribals and the animals who would loose their homes and sources of food. You can email, tweet, tag, those responsible, asking them for answers, questioning  their motives, bringing them to the book. Your one small action can create a ripple effect, can affect a change. If not for us then for your future generations who wouldn’t know what a clean environment would be like, a Wall-e like situation. 

But end please do it for us, after all me pan Mumbaikar. And don’t worry I will wouldn’t eat you, after all I don’t want to ruin my diet!

Crouching Deer, Hobbling Man

As I hobbled down the road, like we Runners do when the rains play truant and the weather gets hot and humid, and yeah, when you overtrain. So here I tried my best to shake off the pull in my calves, the strain on my hams, I mean hamstrings not the edible one (although knowing where I was I could easily become one). So I hobbled down this road that I don’t often take, a deviation from my normal running route, just to add a few but important kms under my feet, and avoid taking anymore inclines, cause if I did take one then someone would have to carry me down and would definitely not be the case of Jack and Jill.

As I turned a corner there he was, as if frozen in flight, a slow runner left behind, just like me (or my situation then). He looked ahead in the direction that his companions had taken, hoping they would  wait for him to catch up with them (if he could manage that), by the time he would find a way to get out this predicament.

He was startled by the sight of me, as I was of he. Wondering who was this stranger in this part of town, a trespasser, an intruder in place he called home. But then I could claim the same for me though my claim would be way weaker than he. He stared at me with his big brown eyes not batting even a single eyelashes, as I stared back with my small ordinary looking eyes.

And so began a staring competition, with each holding their ground, not willing to give the other even a single inch. We stared and didn’t care, just stood there sizing the other, awaiting the other to make the first the move, with none actually willing to do so.

The sweat beads on my forehead glistened, in the light of the grey morning, wondering if he felt the same way, an anticipation of what was to come, not necessarily a fear. There was a crackle in the air. The tension so sharp like the edge of the knife cutting anything in the thin air.

And finally I gave in, cause let’s face it, he was deer and I was human, not a cheetah, leopard or even a panther, but a dear deer. After all this was total nautanki mind at work. So I hobbled on my way to complete my mileage while he went on his way catch up to his herd that left him behind.

Life... Oh Life!

Dear life!

I may never truly understand 

Why you seem cruel and unkind!

Never truly realising your ways

Never fathoming your reason

For being this way!

What I do know 

Is that in every lemon thrown at me

You’re teaching me to duck and dodge

Or even make the most of

The situation I may find myself in

To make a glass of cool lemonade 

Or have a shot of tequila 

And raise a toast to you

You may give me a hard time

Or even test my limits at times

Not because you have it in for me

Or want to show me small and incapable

But you show me that life ain’t always

Sunshine and roses

There’s bound to be some rain sometime 

And I have it in me to make through

No matter what the weather may be

And through it all

You show me how capable I can be

Cause through the rough time, 

Through the hard time

You try and make me stronger

Show me that I can face anything

That’s thrown at me

Capable of soaring beyond my limits

Be best that I can be

Cause when the going gets tough 

The tough gets stronger!

Through the highs and lows

The ups and downs, 

Through all the twists and turns

You give me the tools to navigate through

To make it through 

On the path I’ve set myself on

To enjoy every moment

Of the journey I find myself on

You may not always let me have my way

Cause you know better

That what I want 

May not always be what I need!

In the end you help me be

The one that I was meant to be

Accepting me even when

The world may not get me

Not necessarily who I want to be

Giving what’s best for me

Though I may never see this

And crib, curse and cry

Never truly fathoming your way

You’re still patient with me!

For the friends and family

I will always be grateful to you

For the ones I am born into 

And the bonds I form along the way

People who will never let me be alone

Who I will always find by my side

And though I may think I am all by myself

Forever there’s someone there for me

Who will stand with me

And though I may not truly see

Will always care for me

No matter what, how, when or where

Or even who I am!

For this I shall always be grateful to you

Indebted to you for what you’ve given me

Cause though I may see you 

As a tough teacher

You always know what’s best for me

Help me become who I am meant to be!

And for this I Thank Thee!

The not quite 40 year old Virgin!

Hey there! Hope I didn’t shock you, I didn’t scandalise you? Oh come on! What did you do spect!!! I am not that innocent! What did you think? Ye bole surat pe mat ja (if my surat can be called that)! But then my sexual escapades isn’t the topic of discussion here, so sorry to burst your inquisitive bubble, was worried about your well-being, after all curiosity did kill the cat!

Well, to get to the point, wow, four decades (or almost, depending when I get this one out), where did you go!!! Is it possible to form memories of infancy? I don’t think so! I have sure come a long, long way, from the cherubic bun pav, to this road runner (beep, beep) who’s still not yet quite grown, an overthinker, not quite the optimist, the over caring, over doing fool, day dreamer, perpetually lost, with my head stuck in the cloud, always ready to doze off at the drop of the hat, a slow learner, fitness freak (though I detest being called one), a jive lover, a love fool, not a model from any angle! Wow that’s quite a lot of adjective for one boy (if I dare call a 40 year old uncle that’s).

If life’s a rollercoaster, I am going to ride it till the very end, enjoying the highs and lows, experiencing the thrills of all the twists and turns, dips and falls. I am going to put my hands in the air and scream till I can scream no more, till my throat is sore. If life’s like red wine, I am gonna get drunk on it (an ironic statement from a teetotaller). I have faced the lemons thrown at me (and I know for sure it isn’t done yet), didn’t quite have tequila, but did have my fair share of lemonade that I can say I have a lemon overdose.

I have been through heartaches and heartbreaks, loved and lost, and loved and lost once more, all of my own doing. Not that I am a Love fool, with my heart on my sleeves, it’s just that I am a sucker for that loving feeling l and I hope I never loose it, cause you can never know when Cupid shall strike you down with its arrow. Through all the heartbreaks, and coming to terms with myself, I still have hope, and still grateful for each of them cause I’ve grown through each of them. I’ve had false starts, gotten way ahead of myself, got into my head. I have learned that’s its never good to overthink or go too fast. Let things flow, let things happen let things take its own time to mature, hiding on to your horses. I have seen friends and their families, with their better halves, and wished I could have the same, show my affections without caring about others, to be who I am, to love who I want. After all I am just a boy standing in front of a _____ asking to be loved, asking them to have this dance forever.

I have always been a person who has strived to be there for others when they need me, feeling hopeless and guilty when I am unable to do so, when they don’t seek out help. But who provides hope when you need it the most. I hate that hopeless feeling of being all alone, having no one to turn to, when I need them the most. I don’t think I can ever bear the thought of loosing another loved one, of sitting through chemo, seeing a loved one slowly slip away, to stand all by myself as they unbox the mortal remains of your father. I wish I had someone to console me, to hold me, to tell me, rather than me forcing myself to be strong. In these moments I wish I had someone to hold on to, cry and not care.

I have made my fair share of mistakes, and I say fair share I mean a lot. I have stumbled and fell, fallen smack on face, sometimes on my fat ass. I have by my lowest of lows without reaching the highest of highs, I’ve done things, said things, I know I’m not proud of, things I’ve regretted. But I have learned to live with my mistakes, dusted myself and picked myself, and at times repeated those mistakes again. I have my share of setbacks and disappointments. There have been moments when I have wanted to scream and shout, to let that lump in my throat turn to tears, and let it flow. There have been time when I wanted to give it all up, to let it go. But in these moments of darkness I found a resilience to fight through it, and I hope I can help others fight their demons, in my own little way.

Through running and writing I’ve found a way to lay it all on the road and in the words. In those words I have found a way to say things, express views that I find difficult to say. The roads have helped find a way to take my frustrations, pains and sorrows, to push myself beyond me. Running has given me a way to give back what I have received (and I mean this in a  good way).

So, wow, four decades done and dusted, I hope I can make it through another. So here’s to the decades gone by, to the years to come, to love and life and all it has in store. So cheers to love, life, family and friends, the years to come, the memories to be made, looking forward to what it has in store for me. And yes when I go out I want to go out dancing!