Addiction

She woke up in a pool of sweat. She had this strange uneasy feeling, as her heart thumped rapidly against her chest. She sat up and tried to calm herself down, but she couldn’t shake off this uneasy feeling, threatening to drag her deeper and deeper into an abyss which seemed bottomless. She could feel a panic grip her as she struggled to breathe, struggled to catch her breath, or was it that she had altogether forgotten how to breathe.

She got off her bed and slowly walked to the window, taking deep breaths, trying calm herself and the world around her, through the affirmation she had learned. It did help a wee bit, but still she couldn’t shake off this feeling that was gripping her heart.

This wasn’t the first time and she knew to wouldn’t be the last time she would have these episodes. She made some coffee and made her way to the he window. As she stared down at the world below that was groggily awaking from its slumber. As she stared at the world below she felt like the ground below her beckoned her promising to set her free. And she was tempted to giving into it, to take that leap of faith and let it all go, to se herself free from the pain she felt. But at the same time she knew this wasn’t the answer to her problem, the answer she sought.

As she she sipped and stared outside her window at the pre dawn skies wondering how did she find herself in this mess. How did she get entangled in this web of deceit as hard as she tried to not to get drawn into it. Yet her she was, all messed up and entangled in this shit. She had tried to protect herself from it and yet she found herself fallen for the things she protected herself from.

He came on the wings of the wind and ensnared her heart. She fells for his words, although she thought she was immune from it. Somehow she found herself giving herself completely to him and to the ideas and notions he planted in her mind. And although her head tried to caution her (as she had been here before), her heart wouldn’t listen. He had taken control over her soul. 

Her friends had warned her but she paid no heed, but now was paying the price for her deed. And when she realised this , it was much too late, he had a hold on her heart. How much she tried to escape his grip, the more she felt his claws dig deeper  into her heart, refusing to let go off her no matter how hard she tried.

She knew what she had to do, remove him from her life, erase him and set him free. Cause like a wound he was festering from within and she couldn’t help but keep tormenting herself. But this one simple act she was finding very hard to do, cause letting go meant letting go of all the moments that they shared, even though at hindsight, it was just an illusion.

So there she found herself checking her messages, checking his status, his posts, though not responding to any of them. Somehow she sensed he knew what she was doing and through his post manipulated her even more, messed with her head, making her feel like the villain of the piece, when in fact she was the victim.

She stared outside into the night sky, having this strange sensation that he was behind her. She wondered how long would she go on living this way, tormenting herself. Her mobile beeped and instinctively she looked at it wondering if it was from him. But then she sighed and knew what she had to do, if she had to make it through. She looked at the skies and muttered “I forgive you”, setting him free, she deleted his contact, from her address book and social media accounts, from her heart, setting herself free. She dropped her mobile phone and sunk back into bed to a peaceful sleep.

A Second Chance

She was young and enthusiastic, with a lot of hopes and dreams. She had fought her way to a good education, cause her parents didn’t believe they needed to invest in her, cause once she reached a marriageable age they would get her married to a suitable boy, then her only duty would be to him and his family, and to the children she would bear him. Where was the use of a good education then. They wouldn’t see it any other way. But still she pleaded and begged and bargained, to get herself the education she needed.

She was bright and beautiful and a promising student, always at the top of her class. Her teachers and professors saw a bright future for her, and she too wanted the future they saw for her. But she was aware of what she was up against, a family that didn’t support her, who would rather see her learning the ways of a housewife rather than pouring hours over her books. They didn’t quite take much pride in her academic achievements and constantly reminded her of the destiny they saw for her, which didn’t involve education.

But still she didn’t loose hope and tried to make the most of  that which was afforded to her. She tried her best to postpone, to delay, the inevitable. Happy and content with the shape her life was beginning to take, hoping her achievements would convince them otherwise. But then her life swerved. She was married off, finally giving in, when her parents’ patience wore thin.

He was a simple man, with simple taste, nothing quite remarkable or out of the ordinary, not quite the man she had hoped she would marry. He had a stable job and was able to provide for her. However he didn’t encourage her to continue with her education, and she was afraid to broach the topic with him. In many way he was like her parents, sharing their ideology, their ways of thinking. Maybe that was the reason they were eager for her to marry him. 

She finally gave into to her situation, settling into the rhythms of a domestic life, taking care of him and his needs, never getting anything much in return. When she finally conceived, she desperately prayed that her unborn child wouldn’t be a girl, she didn’t want her to go through the same fate she had been through. 

Much to her relief and his delight, along with that of their families, she gave birth to a baby boy, giving them the “Ghar ka Chirag” which they craved for, that they desperately wanted , to further the family’s name. She added another title to her already burdened head, a mother. Taking care of the needs of her child and husband became her life, and her needs no longer took a back seat but was all but forgotten. She just gave in into this way of life.

Just when it seemed nothing more could happen to her, life took yet another swerve. He was involved in a fatal crash, loosing his life on the spot. She felt like her world had came crashing down. It wasn’t like he was the love of her life. In fact she was with him out of a sense of obligation, a sense of duty, and now all that changed. She had to dedicate her life to her son.

Being an independent woman she refused to take help, not out of pride or ego, but she knew she had the faculty to provide for her son, and she did just that, devoting her life to his upbringing, ensuring he got what she didn’t have. Her entire life went caring for him.

He grew up to be a fine young man, respectful to all, thanks to the values she had inculcated in him. He was handsome and successful young man who had girls and guys clamouring for a bit of attention, if not the entire attention. She was constantly pestered by relatives to get him married to the proposal they brought. But she knew her son and this was decision she left to him, and didn’t want to force upon.

When he finally did get married it was with a girl of his choice, out of love, but not before taking his mother’s blessing, which she happily gave. He moved out of the house to set up a home of his own. She knew he didn’t have to do this, he could continue to live in this house, but she knew he was independent like her and wouldn’t have it any other way. So she didn’t stop him. 

For the first time she found herself all on her own. It wasn’t like he didn’t check on her, but for all logical purpose she was living on her own.

One day, while she was out, she spotted someone who made her heart race, someone from her past that she had long but forgotten, buried in the back of her mind. He was someone from her college who she had a huge crush on, and learned from one of her few friends that he too was asking about her too.  Afraid at what her parents would say, and already burdened from all their restrictions, she didn’t act upon her feelings. Seeing him once again flooded her with all those feelings. She suddenly felt like a giddy little girl meeting her crush for the first time. Age had been kind to him and he hadn’t lost his youthful features to time. 

She tried her best to avoid him, wondering if he had ever noticed her then, would he remember now? To her shock he actually did recognise her and walked towards her. She tried to keep calm and not act like the girls who would hang around him during their college days. But no matter what she tried she still had this giddy feeling, making her go weak in her knees, a feeling she hadn’t felt in a while, actually in forever.

He was surprised that she didn’t live up to all the potential she held, the expectations that her professors had from her. She on her path was surprised that someone has good looking like him was single. They both surprised each other with their life choices. She tried hard to maintain her composure as she chatted with him, fighting a conflicting feeling of wanting to just runaway from there and the same time frozen to the spot where she stood, drawn to him, like a moth to a flame.

They chatted for a while trying to catch up with each other, trying make up for lost time, before time ran out on them and they had to return to the lives they lived, the one they knew. He promised to meet her soon, actually asking her out to dinner. She surprised herself by accepting his invite, something that she never did, something so unlike her. But she did it and now she had to keep her word, something that was very much like her.

Over the next couple of weeks they ended up running into each other, meeting each other. Sometimes over coffee, other time over tea, brunch, lunch and dinner. She enjoyed his company, he on his part encouraged her to get back to the life she put on hold because of marriage, a life she didn’t think she would be able to return to. He encouraged her to pursue her dreams which she had long since forgotten, she had lost all hope of chasing, and didn’t think it would be possible at her age. But yet here she was chasing them with his support.

She began to feel more alive than she had ever felt, more independent, more confident. She began to feel drawn towards him, an attraction, something she had never ever felt, something she never thought she was capable of. But still here she was falling for this man who supported her and encouraged her to find herself, the one she had lost, the one she long since forgotten. She wondered if he felt the same way towards her. But then she was afraid of what he felt towards her, she was afraid of society and what it would say. And was worried what her family and friend would think of her. But she argued that she was a person and as a person she deserved to be loved. But she was not too sure what to do, she has no one to confide in, to discuss her feelings.

Then one day, while she was meeting him for lunch, her daughter-in-law saw them together. She didn’t have a very close with her, this was due to the fact that they didn’t make time to get to know each other. She felt a bit embarrassed and her initially thought was that of flight! But she knew she was doing no wrong, nothing to be embarrassed about. So she tried not to look embarrassed.

Her daughter-in-law looked at her and gave her warm smile, something that she didn’t expect. She came over and hugged her and like a dutiful daughter-in-law sought her blessings. Though she was surprised by her gesture, she maintained her composure and returned the warmth that she felt. She introduced her to him, and asked her to join them, but since she was already with her friends she said it was nice seeing and returned to her table.

Throughout the lunch they was an awkward silence between them, as they tried not to broach upon the topic. That evening she was surprised to receive a call from her daughter-in-law, who said it was so wonderful to see her, and apologised for not spending too much time of getting to know her. But then that was something they both were guilty of. They continued on to have a wonderful chat between them. They spent quite a while on the phone that evening, after all there was years of catching up to do. Where did the time go, they didn’t know.  She promised to come over for lunch so that they could continue their catch up.

The next day, as promised, they met each other for lunch, which then extended to tea and beyond. That day their bond grew so strong that the formal title of “in-law” got lost by the way side, and they didn’t even realise it. For the first time she felt a longing for a daughter, which she didn’t want have because of the struggle she had faced growing up, and yet now she found herself with a daughter, who may have not come from her womb, but was her daughter nonetheless, by law. 

With every moment they spent, their bond grew stronger. They learned so much about each other, their hopes, their dreams, their lives. Her daughter (cause now it was no longer in law, more by heart) was both surprised and proud to learn that she had began to pursue her dreams (with his support). She promised that she would be on board with her 100%, to stand with her and support her, and even get her son on board with it. Then she coyly asked her about him, to which she had no response, or didn’t know how to respond. How could she tell her how she felt about him without the fear of what society would have to say, more importantly, what her son would have to say about it. But she didn’t have to say anything cause her daughter understood it from the look in her eyes. She just told her do what her feels to do, to follow her heart.

From that day on they made it point to catch up with each other every day, whether in person, over breakfast, lunch, tea or dinner, or over the phone. They shared everything with each other, she even found the courage to share about him. And as promised she stood behind her 100%, even convincing her son to get on board. She became her source of support and strength, along with him. 

When she finally completed her graduation, which she had initially abandoned for marriage, they all stood in the crowd and cheered her on. That night as they celebrated her feat, he got down on one knee and proposed to her. She was taken a back, shocked at what was happening, but at the same time delighted. She nervously looked towards her son, to study his reaction to what happened. He smiled and gave her a nod of approval, as both of them was already in on this secret. It became the most joyful moment of her life, something she thought she would never have.

Few months later, they got married in a small, intimate ceremony, involving just few near and dear ones. That day as she got dressed, with the help of her daughter, she embraced her and whispered in her ears with a mischievous smile, “I know why you did all this, you wanted to get rid of me”, to which her daughter replied, “Yes, I wanted to get rid of you, the old you, so you could find the new you, your second chance in life.” To that they both laughed and hugged each other tightly, with a sense of warmth and gratitude for each other. She then escorted her mother out, symbolically moving her from her old life, into the new one, her second shot at life. 

A Drop of Blue in a Sea of Orange!

I wasn’t really planning to do two back to back races, haven’t done it in a while, ok read it as in the past three years, but still I found myself doing exactly what I stopped doing. Having done this race twice before always gives you the upper hand, cause there’s no scope for surprises (even the slight modification in the route doesn’t scare you much). You know what to expect, so you are ready and raring to go.

Although you planned and promised yourself to take it easy, (with you already having raced the previous Sunday, and achieved the time you needed to secure a better starting line up at TMM) you can’t help but relish a good challenge. And to top it all you have those huge sulemani keedas that will never let you take it easy. So you rise up to the challenge, literally and figuratively, starting easy before gradually easing yourself into the run. Thanks to all the hill repeats at Kanheri, and the khadoos Dyloo making you run up those slopes, with Pankti, slopes no longer scare you. Ok not completely but you don’t fear it any longer.

So you run steadily, letting the road take you where it needs to take you, going where it leads you, well not exactly where it leads but as per route. And as you ease yourself into the run, you begin to enjoy it, relish the challenge, and by and by you begin to overtake runners who were ahead of you, starting with the 1:50 minutes pacer. You maintain a steady pace, putting a bit more effort while going up hill, and opening your stride downhill, letting the road carry you on, running to the sound of Ananth Khirsagar’s shoe in your ears. Although you by know that sub 2 is a given and running within 1:50 is within your grasp, a small voice inside your head feels that 1:45 is a possibility, which would be your best time on the course.

So with these thoughts, your confidence grows with every km. But you try not to be overconfident, or for that matter, over cautious. You’re comfortable at the pace you’re running at and even able to up it! As always you have people on the route, your fellow runners calling out to you, cheering you. You acknowledge their cheers and return it, cause you don’t run in isolation, but your run together, feeding off the energy, the inspiration, you give and receive. At one point on the route you have your friends from RuNCouragers cheering you “come on MRR!” And you smile, cause though you’re not wearing an MRR tee, MRR will always be with you, a part of your identity, and you don’t mind it.

And then you reach the turn around point for the 10k and you have make your way through a sea of mostly first time runners, many who are walking, clicking selfies, chit chatting, but not giving way easily. You try to weave your way in the sea of orange, navigating through the walkers, without breaking your side, screaming yourself hoarse asking them to go to their left. But then making your way through the crowd affects your pace and takes quite bit of your energy, one of the reason why I had not done this race in a while.

In the end, managed to keep my focus, for a change, managed to find a way to push myself in those last few meters. Buoyed by your fellow runners and friends who cheered you on, managed to dash to that finish line, finishing in a time of 1:45:13, much better than I expected, an improvement of 2 minutes from the previous Sunday’s race. So now it was time to celebrate, to meet and greet, preen and pose, to congratulate and cheer others crossing the line.

At the end of it all I was happy with my timing, considering the route and the challenges it held in terms of inclines and crowd. So definitely one run worth celebrating cause after long time got a timing I knew I was proud of, a step in building self-confidence, finding my way back, building that self-belief. But would I do this race again? Well may be not! Don’t want to end up being a drop of blue in a sea of orange!

Shallows... in the mood for LOVE

She could feel the butterfly flutter in the pits of her stomach. The nervousness she felt made her nauseous. But despite it all she was giddy from the anticipation of the moment. The thought of his touch on her skin sent shivers down her spine. She couldn’t wait to turn around, and come face-to-face with him. The only thing being that she just hadn’t met him yet!

She was just an ordinary girl living in a modern world, wondering if she was happy in this modern world, or if she wanted something more, something that she was searching for. As she stood there on that stage, staring at an invisible audience, all these thoughts raced through her head. She stood there, with baited breath, waiting for him.

As he slowly walked on to the stage, he saw her silhouette against the stage light. He couldn’t wait to turn her round and come face to face with the beauty that stood on that stage. He wondered if this would be the start of something new, or would it just fizzle out. His heart was racing at over 100 miles an hour, making him wonder if she felt the same way too. He took a deep breath and walked towards her, just as the music began to play. 

She heard his footsteps against the wooden stage, and there was spotlight, not too bright so as to blind, not too low that they couldn’t see each other. It was just right, perfectly soft, accentuating feature. As he stood behind her, she could feel his warm breath over her shoulder, she felt his touch as he gently caressed her shoulder, spinning her around, bringing her face-to-face for the very first time, almost taking their breath away. 

For moment they were both enamoured by the other, just standing there staring at each other. He put his hands on her waist and brought her close, but not too close to make It awkward or uncomfortable for her. For a moment they were in such close proximity with each other that they breathed the same air, almost breathing in unison. She wondered if sparks would fly cause the heat he radiated almost made her feel like she would combust at any moment. And he actually felt the same way too!

As their face came in close proximity, she could almost feel his breath on her face leaving her all flushed, making her go weak in the knees. And they had a moment. She stood still with bathed breath waiting for him to make the move. He looked at her, and could feel that pull towards her. He was trying hard to fight that feeling, holding back, but like a magnet she kept drawing him to her, like a moth to the flame, an affect no other woman had had on him.

Just when she thought he would, she had to do a trust fall, and strangely she trusted that he would be there to catch her when she fall. And he did, with ease, with finesse, with class, once again coming face to face, once again feeling the heat of the moment, once again fighting the temptation of wanting to give in.

She felt he was pulling her deeper and deeper in the moment, deeper and deeper into him. She was far from the shallows, far from the safety of the shore, and the truth be told she didn’t care, she didn’t mind risking it all. She was swimming, floating, and there was no touching the ground. 

He kept feeling like he could drown in the limpid of pools of her eyes, happy to be there. They were both in the moment, living in it, swimming in it. Crashing through the surface where no one could hurt them, cause they were far from the shallows. 

He effortlessly lifted her, guided her, leading her across the stage, twirling around the stage with grace. Every moment felt elegant, every moment graceful, every moment went on and on, with them never wanting it to end. They felt like they were in a dream, in a fairy tale, never wanting to wake up from it and put an end to it. They wanted to live in that moment, just the two of them and no one else.

But then the moment had to end, cause they had to come back to reality. And just as the music began to fade away, he held her face, cupping it with both his palm, he couldn’t hold back any longer, he was ready to risk it all. He pulled her close, and  kissed her, a little hesitant if she would return his affection. To his delight, she kissed back, literally melting into him, spontaneously combusting in the heat of the moment, and like all the moment they had felt, they didn’t want it to end.

But when they finally came around, returning down to earth from soaring high up in the sky. As they parted, they embraced one final time, with their hearts racing from the events from few moments ago! They couldn’t control themselves, the way they felt for each other. They knew they needed to get to know each other more, they desired each other’s company, they had tasted blood and now they wanted more. So as they walked away they knew they had to meet each other again, had to get to know each other. Cause just that moment was not enough, cause they were far from the shallows now!

Blessed... Chaos!!!

On the face of it, I shouldn’t be running this event at all, what with the lack of sleep and being on my feet the whole of the previous evening, but still here I was waking up at 2:45 am, would it still be called waking up when technically you didn’t really sleep, though you did dozed off for a while. But then Dyloooo did recommend doing it, cause firstly, it could help with my line up for TMM, secondly, the familiarity with the route and weather would help with a good timing. So to cut a long story short, ended up at the start line.

If they say “All’s well that (begins) ends well” (well with a bit of Rodmaness to it), would the corollary also be applicable? Getting to the start line felt like a mini marathon in itself. At one time it made me wonder if I should just start running from that point onwards just to make to the start line on time, effectively eliminating the need for a warm up. But then realising was I going to a dead end, retracing my steps back, had me muttering some choicest of words under my breath, after all, lack of sleep can make one irritable.

Somehow managed to make it to the holding area well in time. After greeting fellow runners it was time to move to the start line. Standing at the start line kind of promised my buddy Pooja to help keep pace, while wondering if it would be I who would keep up with her, cause the last few HM hadn’t yielded any results to write home about. So you stood looking at the fireworks wondering if it was even needed.

Exactly at 5:10 am the race started. You weaved your way through the sea of runners who were ahead of you (because of your affinity of starting mid pack), letting those who wanted to race, go ahead of you, at the same time keeping Pooja in your sight. For the first time noticed how pretty the Sea-Link was under light. It surprised me that I hadn’t quite take it in in all the other times I’ve run on it. It’s not like I am the most focused runner, I am exactly the opposite of it. So took a moment to take it in, without missing a beat, or in this case missing a step.

As you run you worry that your lack of sleep would have an affect on your health, let alone on the run. And then you do something that only you are capable of, sleep run. With you dozing off, you begin to worry that at any moment you would collapse in mid stride and just fall sleep right there, snoring like a Kumbhakarna. And it doesn’t help that nature picked this moment to call on you, forcing you to look out for a Port-a-Potty, to stop and use it. On the plus side, had the opportunity to splash some water on my face and head, to fight off the sleep I felt, not much bordering about time.

Thankfully the weather was pleasant, or at least I felt it was pleasant, so was able to challenge myself with the pace, though I felt a slight tightening of the left thigh. Though the weather didn’t feel humid, I found myself soaking wet but not from sweat but from the water I kept pouring on my head and on my face, to keep cool and stay awake, stay on my feet and not snoring on the road. In the end you literally had a bath on the run, and if there was a wet tee competition for men I would have definitely won, or at least I would have my very own Mandakini (knowing how much I sweat I know it’s very likely to have such situations).

Running at a steady pace, and thanks to the weather, and some cheering of fellow runners, ans good friend, was able to challenge pace, surprising myself by catching up and, yep overtaking speedsters, except for the 1:45 bus. But then let’s face it, running below 1:45 wasn’t quite the target, though it would be the cherry on the cake, but it was not something I was aiming for. So I was happy to be able to sustain the pace and keep playing with it without any discomfort. Moreover the familiarity of the route did also help.

In the end finished with a respectable 1:47, the best that I have run in quite a while. After collecting the medals and the goodie bag, was surprised that there were no one ticking that on the bib as is the practice. Kind of ignored it, set out to find if the trucks with the baggage had arrived. In between greeting and congratulating friends, trying to click my medal with the Gateway of India, not forgetting enjoying a sumptuous breakfast of sheera and Upma.

But from here everything took a turn not for the good. Waiting for the trucks to arrive felt like eternity. The wait in itself felt  like a marathon, and the coolness of the morning breeze didn’t do any favours. Felt the chill go down my spine not from something frightening, but from the chilly morning, and from having a literal bath on the run. And when the baggage trucks finally did arrive there was utter chaos cause there was no system or order, just madness. 

Now it’s easy to place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the organisers, but in such situation basic human decency seem to go out of the the window, people seem to loose all traces of humanity, find themselves tracing it way back to their primitive ways. Can’t even say that they behaved like animals, cause animals behave better, and it would be an insult to equate them to these hooligans. But at the same time the organisers would need to be prepared for crowd management, considering the number of runners doing the event. Considering who the organisers were, crowd management should have been better and more tighter.

Somehow managed to get my bag, after keeping myself as calm as possible, as I could, making a beeline to the main road, catching a cab immediately to return home. Only later did I learn about the chaos that ensued regarding the medals and goody bag distribution.

So would I recommend doing this run, well, maybe, or maybe not. As a race that felt like it was trying to rival the Mumbai Marathon, it fell quite short of expectations. It lacked the atmosphere, the crowd support, the feeling, the organisation that the Mumbai Marathon brings to the table, and although international was mentioned in the race title, it felt far from it. It felt like the ordinary sister of the more prettier and popular sister. It can serve as a good alternate to the Mumbai Marathon but I really don’t think it would replace it any time soon, not till they iron out the many wrinkles they faced. Tighter organisation, crowd management and sufficient medals and goodies (how come you can fall short of medals, when you should be giving it only to registered runners with a bib) would definitely help it improve its standing. It’s heartening to read the Race Director acknowledge and address the situation and promise to act upon it as learning. So unless the learning’s are implemented, there’s no saying about the future of the event. But till then you’ll think twice before doing it, and if you are like me, once bitten twice shy, you’ll give it a miss, cause no matter what people say, or try to take pride in doing it, in the end the race may have not been a success as it is perceived to be.

So in the end the race can serve as a good alternative to TMM, however  it can never rival or replace it. So unless the lesson learned are applied, this can always serve as your Plan B to the Mumbai Marathon, ans for me a lesson of never running a race without proper sleep!