Of Age & Weight

If you don’t ask a lady her age, then you don’t talk to man about his weight, though I am not sure if men are affected by it, but some man are. In fact, let’s say this, everyone is very touchy about the age and weight topic.

It’s easy to point out how someone has put on weight without trying to understand the reason why the weight has come on. We love to weight shame (fat or thin) people, whether it’s done intentionally or unintentionally out of concern.

We all want to look lean and fit and flaunt an awesome toned body. But many end up getting tempted by smell of food and pure lethargy of never trying. 

But then there are those who put in all the hard work and dieting and may still not see the results they want, for some reason or the other. So when you remind someone that you are so active and diet so much, still not lost weight, just remember that there’s more to what meets the eye.

Weight loss doesn’t come from food and exercise alone, it also comes from a mental places. Mentally we create a body image in our head, an image that we want to achieve. This image may lead to body image issues, pressure on ourselves. Leading us to question our body, leaving us wondering what more do we need to do. Making it difficult for one to accept their own body.

Another reason to weight gain is stress. In order to coupe with stress. Food becomes the solace in times of trouble.

Finally, we can also gain weight as reaction to medication and treatment.

Unfortunately, this isn’t what one sees when they pass shady comments. They only scratch the surface, refusing to go beyond it. As Madonna put it, “You only see what your eyes wants to see”. It’s easy to pass judgement and name call without understanding which, cause for you, ignorance is bliss.

So next time you make a comment on someone’s weight, take time to understand the reason for it. So rather than making a random statement, you are taking time to understand and help to be body positive.

.. by the river

I didn’t know I actually needed this run till ran it. Thanks to the pandemic it’s been a long time since I have ran a race (the Stadium  doesn’t count as it’s a team relay, running round in circles).

They said it was River Marathon, but we hardly saw the river during the run. But that said this race well and truly humbled you, showing where you stand on the fitness pyramid, if not your training system.

I never really wanted to run this race cause I knew I was not close to the best shape and though I felt good about my workouts I need to get back to being disciplined and upping my regime and working on getting mentally there. But in the circumstances ans some convincing played it’s part in getting me there.

They say when the route challenges you, you rise to the challenge. I don’t think I quite did that. I admit I didn’t quite rise to the challenge. The route was dynamic and challenging and not quite an easy one. But to do it was an achievement in itself cause it shows that you got the guts to experience the most challenging route cause that what makes them awesome, that what makes you awesome. Add the weather as another element to the challenge. You can prove what you are truly made of.

Since the route was loop, you smiled at every inclined and grimaced at every decline, knowing that this would be reversed on your way back. And there are places where even walking up an incline was tough, so forget about the running.

You doff your invisible hat, or a visible cap, to everyone who’s doing a distance much more than you, cause they are running the route many more times than you. You actually envy those ahead of you and those who pace you cause they are doing a major job at tackling the route than you have. That said there’s going to be a definite bruising of of ego, even though it may not be called for.  You know you are better than that, and even though you make use age as an excuse, you know what you need to do.

So, in the words of Dory (albeit a bit modified), you just keep running, running, pass sleepy villages who are still in their slumber as you pass by, cows and dogs who lift their gaze wondering who are these crazy fools running pass them. You run by fields and endless grassy expanses, and silhouette of trees hidden in the morning fog, and by the highway with speeding truckers. And yes you do catch a glimpse of the river a few times.

As you always, you take this all in , grateful to be running, if not strong, but still you are grateful to be alive after what the world has gone through. So you are thankful for the opportunity, for the experience. And though you may grimace, deep in your heart you are thankful.

In the end what makes a trip great is the company that you keep, and my buddies  at the Stride with GB were crazy, super, fun. From the antics in the bus, the posing for pics, to the super running of the race, to the water sports, and not forgetting to take care of my mum, all made me forget that what was troubling my mind, the cares of the world, and made me smile, and laugh, and have a good time. It was feeling of pride to see many of them succeed and thrive and get the recognition they rightly deserved. I am eternally grateful to Coach, Diva and all my super awesome and crazy buddies for making this trip one for the memory books. I so love each and everyone of you.

As I have always maintained, each run is a learning experience of self and where you stand, and there was a lot to learn from this race. I will admit that I was disappointed and down on myself, I know there’s always scope to grow and improve. But for now I know I am going cherish this memory and learn and move on, like I always have. After all it’s Rodmaness in This Boys Life!

I Cried

I cried!!!

It feels strange to say it out loud

But I cried 

I cried for what happened 

Cried for a realisation 

That what was beautiful 

Has now come to an end

A step o could never take back

I cried!!!

For things were not meant to be

For  things that I thought it would be

But all of this has now come to an end

Leaving gaping hole

A heart broken

I hope it can mend

Though a piece will always be missing

I cried!!!

Cause I thought I was the one to blame

Bringing that was beautiful 

To an abrupt end

I blamed me and my overthinking 

For not being able to accept differences 

That were bound to be there

But then I realised 

I wasn’t to be blamed alone

I cried!!!

Knowing that it will never be

Or even an us

And we will go our separate ways

Not too sure

If our paths would ever cross again

Or we could have again

What we shared before

Cause things would never be the same

I cried!!!

Like I have never cried before 

Like I have never cried for anyone

Save for my dog

I’ve tried to be brave

I’ve tried to be strong

But then I let my emotions

Get the better of me

And opened the flood gates

And let it pour

I cried!!!

Got this heavy feeling off chest

An eerie uneasiness 

An anxious feeling

That threatened to consume me 

Cause I wouldn’t be able to tell 

The pain that I am in

I cried!!!

I had to let it all out

Cause I couldn’t hold it together anymore

So let the rivers flow

But then I wiped those tears

Determined to continue to survive

To bounce back and move on

Trying not to regret

To cry anymore for what I’ve lost

But treasure the moments

In my broken heart forever 

Wake Me Up When September Ends

September has been one of the months I’ve eagerly looked forward to. After it’s the month I celebrate me. But somehow I can’t help but just want it to end, and it seems nerve ending.

Riding the highs and lows of the month, well mostly lows and a few highs made me wished I would be anywhere but here. I’ve got bitter salty taste in my mouth that I can’t seem to shake away. I’ve had mood swings more than the Mumbai weather in monsoon.

And through it all I’ve had this heavy sickening feeling in my chest that threatens to consume, and I really hope it does, it’s fascinating and surreal to imagine a world without you, though it may seem borderline morbid.

They have been times where I just wanted to get into fetal pose abs ball myself to sleep. Looks like it’s anxiety season all over again, and this time it’s with a vengeance.

You want to have a good cry cause maybe that would loosen the load in your chest. But then damn you, whoever said “Boys don’t cry”! Somehow tears seemed to have deserted me.

All this makes want to quote the great Billy Joe Armstrong, “Wake me up when September ends!”

A Break

“We were on a BREAK!!!” An iconic line for any Friends  fanatic.

Being in love can be exhausting at times. Constantly trying to meet expectations, to say the right things, do the right things, behave the right way, can take a toll even on the best. It can drain you, take you away from who your truly are as a person.

But this is not something expected, not something that is explicitly said (at least not always). It’s something we put on ourselves, a pressure to make up for the past mistakes, past stumbles, to make things work. And though we go into a relationships saying we carry no expectations, but somehow expectations creep in, no matter how hard we try to keep it out.

At first its all nice and comfy and cosy, lovey dovey. But what happens when the endorphins run out, when it no longer has the same effect as it previously had. That’s when a true relationship begins, that’s when your love is tested, that’s when exhaustion sets in.

In these moments you seek a break, Not necessarily a break-up, but a moment to step away, to be yourself, a pause in the journey. A chance to recuperate and recharge. The time to return to yourself, the time that you didn’t have before, the time you deserve.

It’s the time to evaluate the direction your life is taking, whether it’s worth going down the rabbit hole, or set course to a different shore?

Sometimes we need that break, a break from each other, from constantly occupying each other’s space, from constantly expecting things from each other and being disappointed. To escape those unsaid  expectations, the feeling of anxiety.

Maybe this break from each other would work for the best, just what the doctor ordered. Who knows you may come way with a greater appreciation  for what you both have. It  gives you time to work on the chinks and plot the way ahead. It gives you time to work on the perspective and the direction life is taking. It gives you a chance for a fresh start. 

The outcome may not always be in the best interest, but it’s a start in a new direction. Hopefully it may workout for the best, so that you may come out stronger either as a couple or as individuals.

No Tears to Cry

I have no tears to cry

Even though I want to cry so bad

There’s this lump in my throat

That just refuses to go up

That threaten lady to choke me

If don’t let it out

There’s an heaviness in chest

That threatens to weigh me down

I so badly want to cry 

To let it all out

But I can’t

Cause I have no tears to cry

So let this pain stress within me

There’s not a single moment 

I don’t quite think of you

Of what happened 

Why did it happen

How could I let this happen

I question myself 

If the words I said

Hurt you more than it hurt me

I hear your voice

Deep inside my head

And makes me feel guilty as hell

Leaving me with this feeling 

That this was all my fault

That I put us in this position

But why should I feel guilty

Of trying to say what was hurting

To say what was disturbing 

For wanting to take a step back

And give me time

I know the words that came out

We’re not quite the right ones

But somewhere down the line

I know we are both to blame

Cause you clap with two hands

Though I know that 

I may have done you wrong 

I hope you do introspect

From where I am coming from

Cause I want you to know

That I do love and care about you

It’s difficult for me to let go

To let go of this love in my heart 

That’s still for you

That still aches 

I do hope you know that though I’m in pain

Ans I know you are in true

I will always try not hold no grudges

Or curse your name

But know for sure 

I will miss you

So even though I pour my heart in these lines

I still can’t get myself to cry

Cause I have no tears to cry

Mr Zero

He stared at mirror, looking at the handsome bloke that stared right back hand, not in the narcissistic kind of way. But somehow he didn’t believe it. Though he tried his best to smoulder, and to some extent he succeeded, in his head he still didn’t believe. 

He wondered what others fancied about him that he failed to see. This was just like his singing. In his head he always believed that he could hold a tune but in reality everyone just wanted him to shut-up!

And though people lusted for him, in his head he was a Zero. By himself, he felt  he added no value whatsoever. But when he was joined to another, he help their value increased, not that his value lessened. 

He had no intentions of multiplying, or trying to be divided. Though he was great proponent of sharing. So that value was always zero.

He was neither a pessimist or an optimist, he believed in keeping thing real, though many people believed that he ways always lost in his own world with his head up in a cloud. Stayed away from the ever negative and the ever optimist, cause he was neither.

In many he ways he was the ideal Mr Zero. He refused to acknowledge what others had said of him, cause he believed them untrue. It was better to underestimate ans be exalted than to boast and be knocked down.  In many ways his value was always a zero.

So he stared at the mirror for a few moments more, before switched the light off and went back to his dream land.