Why did he have to do it, she thought to herself as she prepared to call it a night. Why did he have say those words and ruin what they had. They had been going steady for the past year, they enjoyed each other’s company, really liked each other, and yes she did love him. But did this necessitate taking the next step. Why spoil something that was already so perfect.
She tried to close her eyes and will herself to sleep, hoping it was all a bad dream. But sleep seemed to have deserted and this wasn’t a dream. Damn the man, the over sentimental fool, she should have dumped him when she had a chance, it wouldn’t have come to this, but she knew she couldn’t bring herself to it, she loved him. He was the best thing to have happened to her. But why did he have to go and ruin it, make a fool of himself. Thankfully he didn’t plan anything grand, an elaborate gesture, it made not giving him an answer, not saying yes, easy, without embarrassing him.
She wondered if she was commitment phobic? Were women capable of being phobic towards any sort of commitment? She thought to herself, chuckling at the the sexist nature of it. She always thought it was a man thing, not a lady like thing to do. But was she really commitment phobic, she questioned herself. Did she have an aversion to commitment?
She remembered her first love. It was in high school, her first true love, or was it, she wondered. But then they were immature, they were kids, too young to understand the nuances of love. They grew up, they broke off, they moved on, never to ever bothered to keep in touch with each other.
Then there was the one she had in college. He was the jock, the popular kid. She was surprised that he even asked her out, with all the clackers (the noise their heels made against the marbled floor) and the plastic Barbies that craved his attention. She wasn’t that bad looking tough, she thought, as she adjusted the errant strand of hair behind her ear, as she stood before the mirror. But then he was a himbo, with brains in his biceps. When it ended it brought her a sense of relief.
Her next one was with someone who was sensitive and sweet, caring and loving and understanding, and gay. Yes he was gay, and she found about it in the funniest of ways, when they were out on a date (now that was another story altogether, for another day). But despite of this revelation, they remained good friend, in fact he became her gay best friend, the Will Truman to her Grace Adler. Sometimes she wondered if she actually turned him.
When she moved to the city, there was her nerdy neighbour who harboured feelings for her, even though they were as different as chalk and cheese, she decided to give it a shot. He reminded her of a cross between Ross Gellar and Leonard Hofstadter. So what would that make her, a Rachel or a Penny? She liked that thought. But then things soured and it was better to end things. After all they had literally nothing in common.
By now she knew that her thoughts would not let her sleep, and sleep itself seemed to be like a distant thought hidden in the recesses of her mind. She got up put some coffee to brew. Pouring it in her mug she went out to her balcony and sipped it while lighting a cigarette as she stared at the world that was slowly stirring from its slumber. She took deep puff and looked into the predawn sky. She took a deep breath and inhaled the air into her lungs.
And there was him, she thought. The one who she believed got away from her, the one she really liked, the wanted she would have wanted to spend the rest of her life with. They had met when she and her friends were planning a vacation and he was helping them out with. At first she was surprised that he gave her more attention, at times even annoyed, but with time and all their chatting, they grew fond of each other, and so they went out on a couple of dates. He was a type of man for her, good looking, handsome (didn’t that mean one and the same), smart, well dressed and groomed, someone who could take care of her. Moreover he was the only guy who could make her toes curls and bring her to orgasm. But alas it it wasn’t meant to be. He didn’t want to be tied down, based on his past relationship. This was the only time in her life she wanted to settle down, and he was not ready for it. Beside he didn’t have the financial stability she needed. So it was best for her not to pursue him, just remain friends.
She sighed as she thought of him and took a deep drag of her cigarette. She well and truly missed him, and though they still kept in the touch and shared thoughts with each other, things weren’t the same. Sometimes she wondered what it would have been like, a life with him.
She finally took the final sip of coffee and watched the world as it stirred to life. A Gradual orange shade of dawn slowly taking over the inky blue night sky. She looked ahead and realised that she had been in many relationships, but none lasted long. Well not till now. She had met him when a common friend set them up. Apparently, he was in one of the countless WhatsApp groups that she was on. He had liked her posts and now wanted to meet her, something she found surprising (call it humility or self-depreciation). Her friend advised to give it a short, after all how long would she stay lonely.
He was nice guy, loving caring, good looking and from her past experience, definitely not gay. She liked his company, loved spending time with him, loved being loved by him, the centre of his attention, but wasn’t sure she wanted to be married to him, bound to him. She wasn’t ready to settle down just yet. Though age was catching up to her, her biological clock was ticking away, she was in no hurry. Age was just a number to her, motherhood was not her priority. There’s so much life she wanted to live, so much she wanted to do, to achieve, before she was ready to write the next chapter, and she was not there yet.
She sighed, it was almost morning, and she was still lost in her thoughts. She hadn’t even slept a wink all night. Her thoughts kept her awake refusing to let her sleep, even for a short while. Damn him, why did he have go and propose. But then the night had given her perspective of where she was and what she wanted from life and love. She was not ready to take the next step, at least not right now. She wanted time and didn’t want to jump into anything.
She quickly took a shower, had her breakfast and got ready. She had her answer and was ready to face him and tell him what she wanted from the world, wanted from him. She held her head up high and went out to face the morning and meet him and tell him what she wanted to say.
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