The Bond

He felt conflicted, confused, scared. What were these feeling? Where did they come from? How did they find a way of manifesting in him? Was these feelings right, or were they sinful and wrong (like he had grown to learn)? Were they against nature? How did they find him and why him? All these questions and no answers, drove him crazy.

He was conflicted with himself and his feelings. It was not that they appeared overnight, they were always there, dormant, bubbling under the surface, bubbling under his skin, trying to find a way to burst to the surface. He had put a lid on it, controlled his desires, his feelings, holding them back with all his might. But then it reached a point where he could hold it no longer, he couldn’t put a lid on it anymore. It all reached a crescendo the night of the party.

He kissed a boy and he liked it. It all happened in a blur he couldn’t remember much of it. One moment he was talking to him, the only person he could confide in, the only person who understood what he was going through. The next thing he knew they were locked to each other, latched on to each other, lip pressed against lips. At first he tried to pull away, tried to resist it, but then his feelings got a better of him, he finally gave into it. They had finally found the catalyst that they needed, and now they were set free, out in the open, no longer buried in a closet.

He just melted into it, liking the way it felt, the taste. He liked the touch of his finger against him, pulling him closer, bodies pressing against each other. They simply melted into each other. He liked the way his skin felt as he traced every muscle and sinew of his back. He could feel his hardness pressed against his, as he grew hard himself.

All of sudden, without a warning he became aware of himself. Confused at what happened, he pulled himself out of the trance he was in, out of the embrace, disengaging their lips that were locked on to each other. He tried to collect his wit and get away from the scene, trying not to make eye contact with anyone, lest they knew, they spied, they saw what had transpired.

He locked himself in his room, refusing to come out, just stepping out of his self-imposed exile when it necessitated. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t want to think of what to expect, he didn’t want to face the world and it’s questions and it’s judgment. He remained in the confines of his house, a self-inflected lockdown. He waited, like a thief, for everything to cool down, so he could be ready to face the world. He avoided all contact with the outside world, not taking any calls, especially his, as he tried desperately to get in touch with him.

He was confused, scared beyond his wits, questioning his sanity, whether he was normal, cause nothing felt normal. Had he committed a sin? Had he gone against nature and god’s will? He felt lost, helpless, hopeless, to the point of desperation, point of breaking down. He felt like he was drowning, sinking deeper and deeper, with each question with each thought, each sensation drawing him deeper. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t how to react?

He wondered if his parents would ever accept him for he was, after all they were high-school sweethearts, the popular kids, the ones who made fun of people like him. His father the jock, expected him to follow in his footsteps. But he knew his mother would be a bit more understanding than his father ever was.How would he tell them, or should he keep it all within himself? How would his revelation affect their standing in society (if it mattered to them)? But then his secret was eating him from inside, little-by-little. He was afraid that it would consume whole. He couldn’t face them, so finally found a way to confess to them, to come out to them. He left it addressed to his mother on the dining table. 

He found himself at his favourite place in the whole world. He felt the breeze on his face, he could taste the saltiness of the air on his tongue, he could hear the waves crashing on the rocks below. All it would take was one step and it would all end. He would find an escape from his predicament, he would find peace. It would take days before they would locate him. All it would take was one step, but he couldn’t find it in himself to take that one step. So he stood there not knowing what to do, with his predicament growing by the moment.

She returned to an empty house, which caught her surprise. She looked for him finally noticing the envelope on the table addressed to her. She read the letter once and then read it again, hanging on to every word, every confession, every revelation, trying to make sense of what it meant. She was mad at him, mad at herself. How could he assume how she would react? Didn’t he trust her? He was her first born, someone who she had borne for nine months in her womb and for the rest of his life in her heart. Who he was didn’t matter to her, what mattered was that he was her son, a part of her, her heart, her life. She would go against the world, fight it for him. She didn’t care what the world thought or treated him, for her he was son and she his mother.

She frantically looked around for him, calling up friends and teachers. All those stories she had read, she came across, she heard, played in head. She prayed, like she never prayed before that he didn’t do anything foolish, didn’t take any drastic action. Each passing moment making her ever more desperate. She finally realised where he could be. It was their favourite place, a place she had taken him since he was little, a place he was always excited to go.

As she stepped outside, she saw her husband pulling into the driveway. She quickly explained to him as brief as she could. It took him a while to understand what he was hearing, a while for it to sink in. But he didn’t have too much time, his paternal instinct got the better of him, as he drove frantically.

As they drew close to the place she saw him standing at the edge of the cliff. She didn’t wait for the car to stop, she just jumped out of it and ran with all her might, ran as fast as she could, towards him, screaming his name, hoping not startle him. As she reached him she just grabbed him and pulled him towards her, and hugged him tightly with all her might. They bought broke down in each other’s arms sobbing. 

How dare he doubt their bond. No matter what he will always be her boy, her son, and she will always be his mother. Nothing in the world would take that from her. Nothing in the world could change this truth. No matter who he was, who he chose to be, she would always be by his side. She would stand against the whole world for him. She didn’t care what the world would say.  She was relieved to find her son safe and sound. She accepted him unconditionally. Her husband joined them, grabbed him and hugged him tightly with tears streaming.

That day the bond that he thought were fragile grew stronger, nothing in the world could shake it or break it. That day the bonds he shared with them strengthened stronger than it ever was before.